Parker

The guys who made the punk goes pop series are now releasing a new punk goes album featuring covers of black metal classics
Here are some of the tracks
Under a funeral moon - Blink 182
Freezing moon - ice nine kills 
Black metal - good charlotte 

Morbid Saint - Swallowed By Hell

Bizarrely not much metallic stuff being played!
 
Alice In Chains - Dirt
Faith No More - King For A Day....Fool For A Lifetime
Minor Threat - Complete Discography
The Ramones - Hey Ho Let's Go: Greatest Hits

They're about as serious as most NSBM bands, in that it's done entirely for image and to shock in 99% of cases. Tom Araya of Slayer sang about Satan for nearly 40 years and is a practicing Roman Catholic and there's nothing wrong with that in my eyes, he was an artist and made a specific type of art for which there was demand, that got him paid. God bless him, he lived the dream. Glen Benton of Deicide sends his children to a Catholic school and has an inverted cross branded on his forehead. Sometimes when you're a musician, you have to do wacky shit to stand out. That's the way it's been all the way back to the day of Screamin' Jay Hawkins and Alice Cooper after him.

And I don't care one bit. It comes with the territory of making this style of music. I am a person who is able to distinguish theatrics from reality, so I don't need my bands to be sincere about whatever the topics of their lyrics are. It's just rock n roll at the end of the day and I like listening to it.

Emperor - In the Nightside Eclipse
Philip Glass - Symphony 2
Amebix - Arise!
Shostakovich - Symphony 7
The Misfits - Static Age

Speed metal is extreme and I'll keep re-editing Wikipedia to say so until you buggers believe me!!
 

Death Decline - "Silent Path"
Love this band.  Their blend of death metal and thrash is ferocious, and the vocals are great!
Bonded by Blood - "Feed the Beast"
Fantastic modern thrash band.
Candlemass - "Epicus Doomicus Metallicus"
No denying these epic doom masters.

METAL:
Metallica
Symphony X
Blind Guardian
Alice in Chains
Scorpions
 
ALL TIME:
Led Zeppelin
Simon and Garfunkel
Meat Loaf
Metallica
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

The Beatles. The Beatles are unquestionably the best and most important band in rock history, as well as the most compelling story. ... The Rolling Stones. ... U2. ... The Grateful Dead. ... Velvet Underground. ... Led Zeppelin. ... Ramones. ... Pink Floyd  
 
 
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I could do a different 5 every month. Current top 5 bands according to what I've been listening to the most lately would be:
Vargsang
Type O Negative
Diaboli
Archgoat
Ordinance
 

Babylon Whores - Deggeal (A Rat's God)
The Misfits - 12 Hits From Hell
Burzum - Fallen
Alkaline Trio - Good Mourning 

But since you've already stipulated to the fact that you don't actually understand the basic differences between the main extreme metal sub-genres (besides your beloved thrash obviously) or just what exactly makes something qualify as black or death metal, then how can anyone be expected to take anything you say about black or death metal seriously? You don't fully understand what these genre names even mean because you admittedly don't care. Fair enough, there's no law that says you have to care. But then why comment about it at all? It'd be like someone who's colorblind discussing their favorite shades of blue or green or yellow when it all just looks grey to them anyway.

Samhain - Initium
Darkthrone - Under a Funeral Moon
Motorhead - (I'm not incredibly familiar with Motorhead's catalogue, but I listened to a bunch so I could put together a mix C.D., love the cover of Bowie's Heroes.)
Glenn Branca - Symphony No. 1

Dammit, I was only into metal because I thought it was a fad.
Oh well welcome anyway.
 

Samhain - Initium
Darkthrone - Under a Funeral Moon
Motorhead - (I'm not incredibly familiar with Motorhead's catalogue, but I listened to a bunch so I could put together a mix C.D., love the cover of Bowie's Heroes.)
Glenn Branca - Symphony No. 1

Just want to be clear here, because over the last few years I've watched Ghost's history get re-written in real time, but the hate for Ghost has far less to do with their music, and started almost entirely from their explosion into the more mainstream side of the world. In general, the same people who trash them now were falling all over themselves to praise the band when Opus Eponymous debuted as a quirky, underground release that no one could get their hands on. I'm not saying their music hasn't become even more poppy and easier to digest over the years, but this is the same band that closed out MDF in 2011. They were absolutely underground darlings for a time, and anyone who says otherwise is either lying or wasn't there when it happened

Yeah but they have also been described as post-hardcore, heavy metal, melodic hardcore, symphonic metal, and horror punk, so it's not surprising they aren't in Metal Archives.

I saw something in the what are you listening to thread and thought I should comment here so as to not derail that thread. Several people seem enthusiastic about a band called Ice Nine Kills. I had never heard of them, and knew nothing about them, but I freaking love the book they got their name from. They are not listed in the metal archives, yet wikipedia says they are a metal band. So what do they really play? (I'm guessing that the word, "core," will be involved.)

Deine Lakaien - Dark Star & 2nd Star - definitely weird @FatherAlabaster, but I dig it. Thanks for the rec!
The Sound - From the Lion's Mouth - one of my favorite lesser-known albums from the early 80's.
The Cure - The Head on the Door
Depeche Mode - The Singles (Greatist Hits comp)
Kælan Mikla - Mánadans

This one was good xD
Absolutely agree, I always listen to metal while cleaning. 
Anyway Siberia isn't that strong. I usually take about 10 every day. Actually I have one now :d 

Finally someone who likes Attila and snus! 

In no order:
Burzum
The Misfits
Lustre
Amebix
Darkthrone
 

Attila is my favorite, Maniac second. None of the others made much impression on me. Nothing about Dead's vocals sound special to me, and I always just assumed people were into him because of the story and his personality. I'm sure some people genuinely appreciate his performances, but I've just never heard anything special about them.

I was in Denmark, and it said, "rocket," on the menu at a sandwich shop. I asked what it was, and was told it was lettuce. It didn't look like any lettuce I had ever seen. Now I know what I ate.