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101 rules of thrash metal

RelentlessOblivion

By RelentlessOblivion
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RelentlessOblivion Grand Master

RelentlessOblivion

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some of these are funny, some are true, most are neither 1. Be violent. 2. Be aggressive. 3. Show hate. 4. If you can't show hate, show some anger. 5. But not St. Anger. 6. You are forbidden to show emotions. 7. Well, you can show anger. 8. But not St. Anger. 9. Never, ever, under any circumstances smile. Smiling is gay. 10. Thus, Anthrax is the gayest band ever. 11. Sing about killing, raping, torturing and destroying people. 12. Have no courage for even killing an ant. 13. Old-School thrash is the only thrash. 14. Comeback albums are not. 15. Don't be James Hetfield. 16. Don't be Dave Mustaine. 17. DON'T listen to punk, punk is gay. 18. Secretly, listen to the Misfits. 19. Hate new bands, old-school thrash is the only thrash. 20. Hate crossovers, old-school thrash is the only thrash. 21. If you run out of ideas, remember: life sucks, goverment sucks, you reject this fucking place, you despise this fucking race. 22. No matter if you are 15, say that you remember seeing those news about the death of Cliff Burton. 23. Say that you cried. 24. Aha! 25. 80's were the best time for thrash, try to be born in the 60's-70's to release your best album during that period. 26. Release your best album in 1986. 27. If you can't, you can do it in 1987. 28. After the 90's forget about thrash, 90's are so... unthrash!. 29. You have two options: 30. a) Split your band up. 31. B) Make some trash metal: 32. You can go heavy: anth... mega... 33. Or tribal: sepul... 34. Maybe industrial: krea... 35. Also country: met... 36. Even punky: sod... 37. If you split your band up in early 90's you've got permission to reform in early 2000's, and release one or two albums, then split again. 38. If you didn't break up, pretend to release a comeback album, after a decade of shit. 39. Kindly refer to rule #14, and madly to rule #5. 40. Own hundreds of old-school demos and albums. 41. Own Master Of Puppets. 42. Actually, listen only to this album. 43. Well, and maybe Reign in Blood. 44. Keep complaining about Metallica selling out. 45. Keep complaining about Megadeth selling out. 46. Keep complaining about [random bandname here] selling out. 47. Ballads are gay. 48. Naming a song "The Ballad" is even more GAY. 49. Keep this in mind, you were not a child. 50. And when you were, your childhood was full of sorrow. 51. But at least you didn't got molested, leave that for Nu Metal suckers. 52. Remember about your mother and father - and the undying spite you feel for them. 53. Acoustic guitars are limited to showing proeficiency, or intros/outros/interludes. 54. Release an album consisting of punk covers, this is not optional. 55. Remember, for riffs, you only have two strings, the 6th and 5th. 56. For solos you only have one, the 1st, maybe the 2nd. 57. You are forbidden to growl, unless you are from Germany. 58. Or from Brazil. 59. You are not Kreator, nor Sodom nor Destruction, and you never will be. 60. Try to be them. 61. Don't be death metal, death is dumb. 62. Don't be black metal, black is dumb. 63. Music theory? gimmie a break!! 64. Don't be progressive, progressive is dumb. 65. Hate any subgenre influenced by thrash, read rule #13. 66. Feel the fire of thrash burning your soul. 67. Not your body!!!!, read rule #15. 68. Look at you, your feelings turn stronger than hate!!!. 69. Sing a lot against religion, about killing Jesus and so on. 70. Claim to be roman catholic even if you do so. 71. Or claim to be atheist, and remember, Satan is funny, nazis were funny, serial killers are funny, shame on you Kerry King! 72. Only one member is allowed to sing. 73. Well, other members can scream at choruses. 74. Allowed words are: Die! Kill! Hell! Hey! 75. Don't have friends, friendship is gay. 76. Don't have girlfriends, that's gay. 77. What?! 78. Death metal's hostillity towards gayness is borrowed from thrash metal's. (read Death Metal rules, of course don't follow them). 79. When naming your favorite bands, always name Metallica first. 80. Forget about those bands which have the sound you have searched for years. 81. If you are from Brazil, name your band after a coffin related thing: Sepultura, Sarcófago, and so on. 82. San Francisco shores used to be good for writing thrash in the 80's. 83. Power-Thrash: what?! Aggressive dragons? 84. Death-Thrash: read rule 61. 85. Black-Thrash: haven't you read rule 62 yet? Also, black is so... unthrash 86. Progressive-Thrash: read rule 64 87. Post-Thrash: post-thrash is forbidden, read rule #13. 88. Secretly listen to Pantera. 89. I mean, secretly listen to their first albums. 90. Gotcha! You are gay! 91. No matter if it's legal now, sue Napster!!! 92. Asking for melodic thrash bands its the gayest thing that someone could ever do. 93. ---"Seriously, can you recommend me a melodic thrash band?"--- 94. Death, Death Angel, Dark Angel, Morbid Angel, Morbid Saint - THESE BANDS ARE NOT THE SAME!!! 95. Five more to go! 96. Write rules for thrash metal, its a chick magnet. 97. Reading rules for thrash metal its also a chick magnet 98. Kill Bob Rock! 99. Ask Rick Rubin to do that. 100. Be enemy of your fellow thrashers. 101. Done!

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Iceni Newbie

Iceni

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Re: 101 rules of thrash metal

which has given me a great idea for a new power metal band' date=' all the lyrics will be about the Elder Scrolls games, especially Skyrim[/quote'] :o Power metal about medieval combat, armor, swords, magic and mythical creatures? How spectacularly original! :shock: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make power metal about tanks. :twisted:
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The Strategos Newbie

The Strategos

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Re: 101 rules of thrash metal Iceni, I'm with on Tank Power Metal. Now, how would the lyrics sound... Looooooong Keyboard solo intro, Shining steel in the sun, Barrel firing of our gun, Glinting fiercely in the morning li-ight! The Evil One fears our might! Power on the engine rumbling, The enemy's resolve is crumbling, For freedom now I load the gun, And shoot it at that Evil One! (chorus) De-esert sand, it tastes so bitter, De-esert sand, in my mighty hitter, De-esert sand, though my body is weary, De-esert sand, for freedom we fight for aaaaaaallllll through the scary and the eerie! Guitar solo for the next five minutes And the next five Annd the next Against the Evil Ones we fight, A band of brothers burning bright, My shell it blast off though the air, And evil ducks at my righteous scare! repeat chorus Kaboo-ooo-ooooooo-oooooooo-oooooooooooooommm! Ka-aa-boo-oo-oooooooooooom! Weary now we stand victorius, Riding high, it is so glorious, But still our guns point in the air, Ready to fight against evil's heir! Travelling through into the sunset, Our heart ablaze and brows hard set, We ride off on tracks of freedom, The Land of Liberty's our only Kingdom! repeat chorus Guitar solo Keyboard solo Guitar solo Ye-eah! End. P.S. Just to make sure nobody takes it this way, these lyrics are in no way meant to be polemic or controversial - it's just what came to mind when I thought of tanks :) .

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