As someone who has done the 'just dump everything and go my own way' thing a decade ago I have to say while it hasn't worked out as well for me as I would have hoped for obvious reasons, it definitely has not turned out as badly as it could have either. Even considering the adversities I've faced and the challenges of single fatherhood I still wouldn't want to go back to where I was at in my pre-dump life given the choice. I felt in my late 40's like I had painted myself into a corner with my poor/questionable/regretable life choices and something simply had to give. I'd probably choose to break out of my stagnant life somewhat differently if I had it all to do over again, but I'm still glad I got off my lazy ass and did something about it and made a change.
After living through several long term relationships, all entered into with the thought that each was "the one," I am no longer of the belief that a single monogamous lifelong partnership is a natural or truly healthy state of being for most humans, be they men or women or whatever. I'm not sure why this is still considered the norm, or at least held up as the goal in life. I guess it's because two parent family units are the best situation in which to raise our kids, at least from the kids' perspective anyway, and despite the approximately 199 available methods of birth control these pesky ankle biters do have an insidious way of making their way into the world whether they're planned or wanted or not. I suppose it comes down to most men's proclivity to put work and career over family. Most men are hard wired this way and it's the way our entire western society has been set up from go. The tug-of-war in our minds happens because our women and indeed society in general demand that men be good providers, but then they don't seem to be able to understand what goes into all that providing because at the same time they turn around and want to shame us for not prioritizing being there enough and being nurturing enough and being hands-on enough with our families. Unfortunately this guilts millions of decent, caring, hard working men into feeling like they are inadequate or even abject failures as husbands and fathers.
It's amazing to me how universal it is that so many middle aged adults go down this career-marriage-children path and by our 40's so many of us are apparently quite miserable with our 'lot in life' and where we've ended up. We all start out with our various hopes and dreams that may or may not be realistic or attainable but despite many folks' best laid plans I think life has a way of just happening to a lot of people and many of us find ourselves hanging on for the ride more than actually steering the ship. I agree with Navy that to a certain extent the willingness and ability to accept or even embrace one's lot in life inevitably comes with age, or seasoning, as by our mid 40's we're no longer 'young dumb and full of cum' and most of us have seen for ourselves watching friends, family and colleagues that the grass is not always greener on the other side. And aslo because after many years I think we tend to become numb to our discontent and we learn to ignore and compartmentalize it.
But still quite clearly what I'm reading here and also seeing off the board with many of my 40&50-something male friends is that it's totally normal to have regrets and what-if's and some underlying level of discontentment. This is true even of dudes who I'd consider fairly well adjusted and successful and manage to project some level of contentment to the world most of the time. Men push through things, it's in our nature. Most of the time we can set aside the distractions and supress the doubts and what-ifs and nagging bad feelings when we have to and just focus on the task at hand. We need to have this ability in order to provide, survive and thrive. But it's ok to stop and reflect and just let ourselves feel it sometimes. Or even to commiserate with our peers and share our regrets and feelings of discontentment now and then. Fuck what anyone else thinks.
Promo tracks/singles kind of drifted by me when I had them on stream so yet to dip my toe in on the whole album. Found a belated fondness for this atmo/Cascadian bm in the past few months so may well be the best time to sample it before I go off on another tangent.
Chill this morning with a lot of overcast and periodic heavy rains. Some flooding around the area, but we very fortunately missed the majority of Ida's wrath.
Makaya McCraven - In The Moment - thanks T-Guy for this suggestion. It's excellent.
I'm pretty standard -50's-70's classic jazz-lots of Coltrane, Miles and their sidemen, Chick Chorea, Herbie, Art Blakey, Joe Henderson, Ornette Coleman etc. The big ones everyone likes. In recent history I like Pat Metheny and Brad Mehdlau. I don't go a whole lot deeper than that. I could easily listen to Miles and Coltrane for the rest of my life as far as Jazz goes and call it a day.
Convulse/World without God
Inquisition/ Bloodshed Across the Empyrean Altar Beyond the Celestial Zennith
Lingua Ignota-Sinner Get Ready
Schoenberg/Pierre Boulez conducts-weird but surprisingly accessible avant garde choral music