HEAVY METAL:
The warrior arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers,
and bones the princess.
POWER METAL:
The warrior arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon,
saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL:
The warrior arrives with a frayed denim jacket, fights the dragon,
saves the princess and fucks her.
VIKING METAL:
The warrior arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe,
skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her
belongings, and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL:
The warrior arrives, kills the dragon, rapes the princess in the mouth
and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL:
The warrior arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in
front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood
in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to
the dragon.
GORE METAL:
The warrior arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of
the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead
body, slashes her belly, and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass
again, burns the corpse, and fucks it for the last time.
GRIND METAL:
The warrior arrives, screams something completely incoherent for about
30 seconds, and then leaves.
DOOM METAL:
The warrior arrives, sees the size of the dragon, and thinks he could
never beat him. He gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragons
eats his body and the princess as dessert. That’s the end of the sad
story.
GOTHIC METAL:
The warrior in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The
protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the
dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows the flute and
accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death.
All their souls are damned in hell for all eternity.
PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The warrior arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The
dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the
princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and
tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess
escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.
INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The warrior arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene
gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land
by security guards.
SPEED METAL:
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone’s screaming
weird stuff, princess realizes she’s been deflowered, dragon and
princess are still looking for the one who did this.
CHRISTIAN METAL:
The warrior rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy
power ballad to the dragon about how much JESUS loves him and that the
dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and
when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry,
but I don’t believe in having sex before marriage".
GLAM METAL:
The warrior arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and
lets him enter. He steals the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the
castle in a beautiful pink color.
NU METAL:
The warrior arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight
the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch
fire.
EMO:
The warrior sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.
