Jump to content

General Jokes


MetalSifu666

Recommended Posts

A Catholic priest and a Presbyterian minister are friends, and are talking at lunch one day. The priest tells the minister that he has an event to be at on Sunday, and asks the minister if he'll fill in for him and take people's confessions. When the minister tells him that he wouldn't know what to do, the priest says that he'll print out a list of sins for him with applicable acts of contrition, so it should just be a simple matter of reference. Reluctantly, the minister agrees and accepts the assignment.

Sunday arrives, and the first woman to enter the confessional says that she has committed the sin of anal sex. The priest didn't have a listing for anal sex on the print out, so he tells the woman to wait a moment. He exits the confessional and looks around for help. He finds and altar boy and asks him, "what do you get for anal sex?" The boy responds, "I usually get milk and cookies". 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 6 months later...
  • 4 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Two gnomes in a bar on holiday. One of them pulls a bird and they decide to go back to the hotel. Single gnome is kept up all night by the shouts of ''1,2,3..1,2,3.'' from his mate in the next door room. Next morning single gnome says '' Howdya get on with lasso?'' other gnome says ''Was shite, couldn't get on the fucking bed''

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...
On 6/12/2018 at 6:15 PM, Natassja7 said:

Two gnomes in a bar on holiday. One of them pulls a bird and they decide to go back to the hotel. Single gnome is kept up all night by the shouts of ''1,2,3..1,2,3.'' from his mate in the next door room. Next morning single gnome says '' Howdya get on with lasso?'' other gnome says ''Was shite, couldn't get on the fucking bed''

I take it these are not your garden-variety gnomes? Pun on that one. 

Edit: double pun.  

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

43 minutes ago, Requiem said:

Finally something funny in this thread. 

All I wanted to do was add one more lame pun to my post, but a pop-up message kept informing me that too much time had passed so I could no longer edit my post, and then when I tried once more I was directed to a page informing me that I was banned. Now that is funny!

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Vampyrique said:

All I wanted to do was add one more lame pun to my post, but a pop-up message kept informing me that too much time had passed so I could no longer edit my post, and then when I tried once more I was directed to a page informing me that I was banned. Now that is funny!

 

The internet dislikes your humour so much that it bans you from making jokes! Brilliant! 

Computer says no! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Requiem said:

The internet dislikes your humour so much that it bans you from making jokes! Brilliant! 

Computer says no! 

A couple of honks on the bicycle horn was all that I was after. But the Internet curtailed my attempts. Like a troll being escorted off a bridge rather than beneath one. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

49 minutes ago, Vampyrique said:

A couple of honks on the bicycle horn was all that I was after. But the Internet curtailed my attempts. Like a troll being escorted off a bridge rather than beneath one. 

 

Jokes from a troll like you were a bridge too far. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Vampyrique said:

Talk about overreaching, now that's a joke I just can't get over! Help me bridge the gap.   

 

I hope you can forgive me. It’s all water under the bridge as far as I’m concerned. 

 

1 hour ago, Fraser said:

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide. The Librarian said: "FUCK OFF, you wont bring it back."

I love it how the actual punch line is in lower case but the librarian bellows the profanity in caps, as if that’s the most important part of the reply. This joke works on so many levels. Dewey decimal bitchin’!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Join Metal Forum

    joinus-home.jpg

  • Our picks

    • Whichever tier of thrash metal you consigned Sacred Reich back in the 80's/90's they still had their moments.  "Ignorance" & "Surf Nicaragura" did a great job of establishing the band, whereas "The American Way" just got a little to comfortable and accessible (the title track grates nowadays) for my ears.  A couple more records better left forgotten about and then nothing for twenty three years.  2019 alone has now seen three releases from Phil Rind and co.  A live EP, a split EP with Iron Reagan and now a full length.

      Notable addition to the ranks for the current throng of releases is former Machine Head sticksman, Dave McClean.  Love or hate Machine Head, McClean is a more than capable drummer and his presence here is felt from the off with the opening and title track kicking things off with some real gusto.  'Divide & Conquer' and 'Salvation' muddle along nicely, never quite reaching any quality that would make my balls tingle but comfortable enough.  The looming build to 'Manifest Reality' delivers a real punch when the song starts proper.  Frenzied riffs and drums with shots of lead work to hold the interest.


      There's a problem already though (I know, I am such a fucking mood hoover).  I don't like Phil's vocals.  I never had if I am being honest.  The aggression to them seems a little forced even when they are at their best on tracks like 'Manifest Reality'.  When he tries to sing it just feels weak though ('Salvation') and tracks lose real punch.  Give him a riffy number such as 'Killing Machine' and he is fine with the Reich engine (probably a poor choice of phrase) up in sixth gear.  For every thrashy riff there's a fair share of rock edged, local bar act rhythm aplenty too.

      Let's not poo-poo proceedings though, because overall I actually enjoy "Awakening".  It is stacked full of catchy riffs that are sticky on the old ears.  Whilst not as raw as perhaps the - brilliant - artwork suggests with its black and white, tattoo flash sheet style design it is enjoyable enough.  Yes, 'Death Valley' & 'Something to Believe' have no place here, saved only by Arnett and Radziwill's lead work but 'Revolution' is a fucking 80's thrash heyday throwback to the extent that if you turn the TV on during it you might catch a new episode of Cheers!

      3/5
      • Reputation Points

      • 10 replies
    • I
      • Reputation Points

      • 2 replies
    • https://www.metalforum.com/blogs/entry/52-vltimas-something-wicked-marches-in/
      • Reputation Points

      • 3 replies

    • https://www.metalforum.com/blogs/entry/48-candlemass-the-door-to-doom/
      • Reputation Points

      • 2 replies
    • Full length number 19 from overkill certainly makes a splash in the energy stakes, I mean there's some modern thrash bands that are a good two decades younger than Overkill who can only hope to achieve the levels of spunk that New Jersey's finest produce here.  That in itself is an achievement, for a band of Overkill's stature and reputation to be able to still sound relevant four decades into their career is no mean feat.  Even in the albums weaker moments it never gets redundant and the energy levels remain high.  There's a real sense of a band in a state of some renewed vigour, helped in no small part by the addition of Jason Bittner on drums.  The former Flotsam & Jetsam skinsman is nothing short of superb throughout "The Wings of War" and seems to have squeezed a little extra out of the rest of his peers.

      The album kicks of with a great build to opening track "Last Man Standing" and for the first 4 tracks of the album the Overkill crew stomp, bash and groove their way to a solid level of consistency.  The lead work is of particular note and Blitz sounds as sneery and scathing as ever.  The album is well produced and mixed too with all parts of the thrash machine audible as the five piece hammer away at your skull with the usual blend of chugging riffs and infectious anthems.  


      There are weak moments as mentioned but they are more a victim of how good the strong tracks are.  In it's own right "Distortion" is a solid enough - if not slightly varied a journey from the last offering - but it just doesn't stand up well against a "Bat Shit Crazy" or a "Head of a Pin".  As the album draws to a close you get the increasing impression that the last few tracks are rescued really by some great solos and stomping skin work which is a shame because trimming of a couple of tracks may have made this less obvious. 

      4/5
      • Reputation Points

      • 4 replies
×
×
  • Create New...