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22 hours ago, RelentlessOblivion said:

Well I really, desperately, want to explain away what happened to me early this morning as another sleep paralysis episode. Unfortunately since I could move freely and resorted to the childhood tactic of hiding under the blankets that ain't gonna fly. Woke up to see a pair of big, red, eyes in the doorway to my room, and the door wide open. Now considering that I sleep with the door closed and locked that of itself is weird. Man I'm telling you creepy shit just happens at my parents house. The sooner I'm back on my feet financially the better.

Sometimes months if not years can go by where you do not experience sleep paralysis and then suddenly it happens with just days or hours apart. There are theories that suggest that stress can cause sleep paralysis.

Have you got a dog or cat that you can share your bed with? Just a slighty touch from a paw will end the sleep paralysis, I know this from when my cat was still alive, sometimes if she was awake she could sense me tensing all up during a SP experience, she touched me and I woke up. 

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On 7/15/2019 at 9:49 PM, True Belief said:

Gee wiz, New Zealand got absolutely shafted in the cricket last night.

Anyway, had the pleasure of an hour in an epsom salt float tank tonight, total darkness no sound.....followed by a 45 minute infrared sauna. Feeling totally re-charged.

Going back for a cryotherapy session on the weekend. 3 minutes in your underwear at minus 160° Celsius (-256° Fahrenheit). Good stuff.

 

Ah True Belief. More dollars than sense. Last time I spent 3 minutes out of the house in my underwear I was arrested...

Also, go England! So glad they won the World Cup, although it would also have been good for New Zealand to win. God bless her Majesty and her 11 gentlemen sportsmen. 

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Ah True Belief. More dollars than sense. Last time I spent 3 minutes out of the house in my underwear I was arrested...
Also, go England! So glad they won the World Cup, although it would also have been good for New Zealand to win. God bless her Majesty and her 11 gentlemen sportsmen. 


3 minutes is your limit in so many ways...

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Well I hate to say it but I think the whole being able to see thing won't last much longer. I'm really noticing how little I can actually see now, it's noticeably worse then this time last year. Also because I have to use my sight so much for work I've been dealing with constant eye strain headaches for the last month which is no fun at all. It's just been really getting to me and I'm hesitant to reach out to my family because well home life fucking sucks enough said. Boy do I need something to feel good about right now.

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3 hours ago, RelentlessOblivion said:

Well I hate to say it but I think the whole being able to see thing won't last much longer. I'm really noticing how little I can actually see now, it's noticeably worse then this time last year. Also because I have to use my sight so much for work I've been dealing with constant eye strain headaches for the last month which is no fun at all. It's just been really getting to me and I'm hesitant to reach out to my family because well home life fucking sucks enough said. Boy do I need something to feel good about right now.

That’s very tough stuff, relentless, I am sorry you are dealing with that. 

 

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*sigh* Why is it that every single time I start to feel optimistic, that I start feeling good about myself, life just comes along and cracks me over the head with a boulder? Seriously what the fuck did I do in a past life to deserve this? Work's going well? We'll just see about that, bye-bye computer. Oh your guitar playing is coming along nicely? Well now you need a new amp have fun sorting that with all the money you don't have. For good measure let's throw in an extra fuck you and give you blurry vision (what's left of it) for two straight weeks so you're having constant headaches. Oh yeah and we'll throw in the parents you were forced to move back in with arguing about how much of a failure you are while we're at it.

 

Yeah that voice that's always been whispering in the background somewhere is screaming in my ear right now.

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5 hours ago, RelentlessOblivion said:

*sigh* Why is it that every single time I start to feel optimistic, that I start feeling good about myself, life just comes along and cracks me over the head with a boulder? Seriously what the fuck did I do in a past life to deserve this? Work's going well? We'll just see about that, bye-bye computer. Oh your guitar playing is coming along nicely? Well now you need a new amp have fun sorting that with all the money you don't have. For good measure let's throw in an extra fuck you and give you blurry vision (what's left of it) for two straight weeks so you're having constant headaches. Oh yeah and we'll throw in the parents you were forced to move back in with arguing about how much of a failure you are while we're at it.

 

Yeah that voice that's always been whispering in the background somewhere is screaming in my ear right now.

The way your parents treat you sounds like complete bullshit. They're supposed to have your back, not tear you down. I get kind of mad every time you mention it. So sorry you're dealing with it, best wishes for getting more financially stable and moving on with your life.

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14 hours ago, FatherAlabaster said:

The way your parents treat you sounds like complete bullshit. They're supposed to have your back, not tear you down. I get kind of mad every time you mention it. So sorry you're dealing with it, best wishes for getting more financially stable and moving on with your life.

Thanks mate, to be fair mom has always been supportive it's just my bastard step-dad who tears everyone down. At least he's stopped telling me to my face that I'm worthless.

 

I'm hoping things will be better in the Summer when I'll have more sporting commitments and won't be home so much but really I'd hoped not to be in this situation by now.

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I have some illustration stuff to finish up. Just recently completed a pretty involved painting for an album that'll be coming out on Unique Leader next year, which is neat, and I've got a couple other cool projects on the horizon (including a potential cover painting for BAN), but after that I'm done with it for a while. I haven't had the time for my own painting in almost a year now and it sucks.

But I won't be getting any work done today, no... my son got himself suspended from summer camp for half a week for misbehavior. Honestly it sounds like normal kid shit to me, and I think the counselors are being a bit drastic, but the young lad is essentially a Muppet and has a lot to learn about personal space.

Hopefully he'll give me the space to perform a lobotomy on my new bass, anyway, I think the electronics need to go. Also, really loving the particular cup of coffee I'm drinking at the moment, and looking forward to next week, when we'll have the first proper family vacation we've had in years, albeit a short one.

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39 days to go until the wedding! Getting jitters when I think about it, but absolutely no "cold feet." No doubt whatsoever. Also, can't wait to go to Berlin, Poznan, & Copenhagen. BTW, has anyone been to any of those cities? Can you recommend anything to see or do? 2019 is shaping up to be the best year of my life. Also really looking forward to The Rise of Skywalker, but I suppose that is a little less important (sort of).

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In one of those moods of late were nothing much sticks musically with me.  Not to say I haven't enjoyed the latest Memoriam offering and that Dawn compilation but in the main I am not feeling much respite from my music listening as I used to.  It has been a busy few months though with car trouble, job moves (potential), house moves (done) and family illness to contend with so my focus is way off from what it usually is with music.  Thought moving to this countryside environment would calm my soul a little but not as settled yet as I had hoped to be by this point.  All is good though, just very distracted at present.

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1 hour ago, MacabreEternal said:

In one of those moods of late were nothing much sticks musically with me. 

I have been feeling like that a bit lately too.  It's weird - on one hand you feel as though you should be happy with what you are listening to, but, at the same time, can't help but get nothing out of it.

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I'm really at the end of my metaphorical rope here. I have a bachelors degree, I did a year-long internship, I've done relevant volunteer work, I've been consistently employed in professional occupations for 3 years, and yet I cannot for the life of me get a job in anything but customer service. And it's getting to a point that work is making me physically and mentally ill.

Look, I'm a child abuse survivor, and every time a customer comes up to me in an aggressive, hostile, or threatening way, screams at me, swears at me, calls me stupid because of misconceptions about my age, gender, education, personality, or anything else they feel the need to make me feel horrible and dehumanize me so much because they don't like the company's policies which I have no control over - I relive every abusive experience at the hands of my mother and father over and over and over again.

I can write. I can use video editing software. I have a knack for photography. And yet because I've never had a job title with the words "public relations" or "communications" in it, that must mean I'm a fucking idiot who can't do anything except stand in front of a counter and smile while being dehumanized by 50 year old grown-ass adults with the emotional maturity of a spoiled 3 year old. Every job, no matter how basic, besides customer service roles, require some 3-5 years of experience. And apparently unless you've never done that same exact job before, your experience is not relevant, no matter how close it, no matter how many transferable skills you have, no matter how much you've busted your ass for zero compensation at unpaid internships, menial jobs at non-profits, and side gigs, all of that hard-won experience is worthless to them.

I am convinced that I was born to suffer. It's the only real logical explanation I can come up with. Abuse survivor who can never escape abusive situations and has constantly be around abusive people to survive? The irony. And at the moment, I don't see it ever ending until I die. I'm really not a human being at all to anyone, am I?

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10 minutes ago, Depraved said:

I'm really at the end of my metaphorical rope here. I have a bachelors degree, I did a year-long internship, I've done relevant volunteer work, I've been consistently employed in professional occupations for 3 years, and yet I cannot for the life of me get a job in anything but customer service. And it's getting to a point that work is making me physically and mentally ill.

Look, I'm a child abuse survivor, and every time a customer comes up to me in an aggressive, hostile, or threatening way, screams at me, swears at me, calls me stupid because of misconceptions about my age, gender, education, personality, or anything else they feel the need to make me feel horrible and dehumanize me so much because they don't like the company's policies which I have no control over - I relive every abusive experience at the hands of my mother and father over and over and over again.

I can write. I can use video editing software. I have a knack for photography. And yet because I've never had a job title with the words "public relations" or "communications" in it, that must mean I'm a fucking idiot who can't do anything except stand in front of a counter and smile while being dehumanized by 50 year old grown-ass adults with the emotional maturity of a spoiled 3 year old. Every job, no matter how basic, besides customer service roles, require some 3-5 years of experience. And apparently unless you've never done that same exact job before, your experience is not relevant, no matter how close it, no matter how many transferable skills you have, no matter how much you've busted your ass for zero compensation at unpaid internships, menial jobs at non-profits, and side gigs, all of that hard-won experience is worthless to them.

I am convinced that I was born to suffer. It's the only real logical explanation I can come up with. Abuse survivor who can never escape abusive situations and has constantly be around abusive people to survive? The irony. And at the moment, I don't see it ever ending until I die. I'm really not a human being at all to anyone, am I?

As someone who works with the public, I can sympathize with your problems dealing with difficult/horrible people.  There is absolutely no excuse to behave abusively towards anyone that you come across in life.

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8 minutes ago, Depraved said:

I'm really at the end of my metaphorical rope here. I have a bachelors degree, I did a year-long internship, I've done relevant volunteer work, I've been consistently employed in professional occupations for 3 years, and yet I cannot for the life of me get a job in anything but customer service. And it's getting to a point that work is making me physically and mentally ill.

Look, I'm a child abuse survivor, and every time a customer comes up to me in an aggressive, hostile, or threatening way, screams at me, swears at me, calls me stupid because of misconceptions about my age, gender, education, personality, or anything else they feel the need to make me feel horrible and dehumanize me so much because they don't like the company's policies which I have no control over - I relive every abusive experience at the hands of my mother and father over and over and over again.

I can write. I can use video editing software. I have a knack for photography. And yet because I've never had a job title with the words "public relations" or "communications" in it, that must mean I'm a fucking idiot who can't do anything except stand in front of a counter and smile while being dehumanized by 50 year old grown-ass adults with the emotional maturity of a spoiled 3 year old. Every job, no matter how basic, besides customer service roles, require some 3-5 years of experience. And apparently unless you've never done that same exact job before, your experience is not relevant, no matter how close it, no matter how many transferable skills you have, no matter how much you've busted your ass for zero compensation at unpaid internships, menial jobs at non-profits, and side gigs, all of that hard-won experience is worthless to them.

I am convinced that I was born to suffer. It's the only real logical explanation I can come up with. Abuse survivor who can never escape abusive situations and has constantly be around abusive people to survive? The irony. And at the moment, I don't see it ever ending until I die. I'm really not a human being at all to anyone, am I?

Damn. I'm so sorry. It's really hard to take a step back from feeling that way. But look, don't think that retail job bullshit reflects on you. People are greedy, jealous consumers anymore, and that job will spoonfeed you the worst of it. The entire corporate structure is designed around policy so it can be staffed by drones, zero thought or initiative required. It's antihuman. No wonder you feel lost there, you're obviously a thoughtful and intelligent person. I really hope you can find the success you need. One step at a time!

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1 hour ago, Balor said:

As someone who works with the public, I can sympathize with your problems dealing with difficult/horrible people.  There is absolutely no excuse to behave abusively towards anyone that you come across in life.

Exactly. And even when I'm not at work, it's like I have to live my life by a much stricter set of rules than everyone else. People are allowed to scream at me, swear at me, call me names, tell me I deserve to get shot, physically intimidate me, over the most trivial bullshit, but god forbid if in my daily life something legitimate makes me upset to the point I make it known I am upset, if I raise my voice just a little, over someone harassing me in public, for example - oh, well then I am WAY out of line and just a crazy psycho bitch. It's like I'm not allowed to have any feelings whatsoever, but everyone else is allowed to have extreme emotions and behaviors. It's such a fucking double standard. Coworkers tell me "oh, you don't know what they might be dealing with in their personal life", as if that's an excuse for their behavior. I HAVE CHRONIC DEPRESSION AND PTSD BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN SHIT ON BY PEOPLE MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I STILL MAKE IT A POINT TO TREAT EVERYONE WITH A BASIC AMOUNT OF CIVILITY AND RESPECT. Even if I hate their fucking guts and want nothing to do with them. You can't honestly tell me, that someone is facing so much more hardship than I am, which could justify their disgusting behavior. 

59 minutes ago, FatherAlabaster said:

Damn. I'm so sorry. It's really hard to take a step back from feeling that way. But look, don't think that retail job bullshit reflects on you. People are greedy, jealous consumers anymore, and that job will spoonfeed you the worst of it. The entire corporate structure is designed around policy so it can be staffed by drones, zero thought or initiative required. It's antihuman. No wonder you feel lost there, you're obviously a thoughtful and intelligent person. I really hope you can find the success you need. One step at a time!

Thank you. What bothers me most I guess is that I try so hard not to let it get to me, but my nervous system seems to somehow know when there is or could be an imminent threat to my safety and goes into a spontaneous, out of control fight or flight response. I have learned, time and time again, that yelling almost always precedes physical violence. People have stopped at nothing to physically attack me (not really at work, although I have had things thrown at me). But the fact that physical attack and bodily injury is very possible, frightens the hell out of me. I weigh 90 lbs. I fucking hate it. I've been trying to build upper body strength but it's like my frame just wasn't built that way. People attack me and seem to have zero fear of repercussions because in the past, every time it's happened, they just tell the authorities I did something to deserve it, or if they don't leave a mark, that I'm lying and made it up to ruin their lives or something, and the authorities always believe them. Yes there are cameras, but they'll just claim I said something to threaten them or antagonize them and they were acting in self-defense or something. And the authorities will still believe them. 

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Just a quick update for you, my metal family, so you know I didn't just disappear or something. There's a lot of personal shit going on which has meant I'm just not up to spending time here. I have some things I need to work through so I might still be lurking somewhere but this will be my last post until the new and improved RO comes back out of hiding. You all take very good care of yourselves ok?

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Just a random thought: What's up with all the people that sign up, post once in the introductions forum, then are never heard from again? Why would someone do this? Are they bots? It's annoying when I take the time to welcome them only the have them disappear. Anyone know what's up with this?

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1 hour ago, Parker said:

Just a random thought: What's up with all the people that sign up, post once in the introductions forum, then are never heard from again? Why would someone do this? Are they bots? It's annoying when I take the time to welcome them only the have them disappear. Anyone know what's up with this?

Some of them are definitely spammers or bots, and they usually wind up getting the boot. I would guess others are lurkers who dip their toe in the water but don't feel like jumping in, or self-promoters who belatedly realize this isn't the best platform for getting millions of fans and launching a lucrative music career. Based on a few of the prize peaches we've had come and go recently, it's often better when they say nothing at all...

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47 minutes ago, FatherAlabaster said:

Some of them are definitely spammers or bots, and they usually wind up getting the boot. I would guess others are lurkers who dip their toe in the water but don't feel like jumping in, or self-promoters who belatedly realize this isn't the best platform for getting millions of fans and launching a lucrative music career. Based on a few of the prize peaches we've had come and go recently, it's often better when they say nothing at all...

At present (over the last month) I ban/restrict at least 2 newbies a week for violation of promotion rules.  The compliant ones usually say hello because they feel obliged to before going into the Promo thread for the real reason they are here.

My solution is to move the Promo section above the intro section but only @dilatedmind can approve and actually do this and he is a busy chap with other projects.  I think that moving it would benefit both the promo seekers and the community at large.

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