What's on your mind?

[GoatmasterGeneral]

And you may ask yourself, how did I get here?

(Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime)

[AlSymerz]

17 minutes ago, Dead1 said:

My ideal life is basically empty and devoid of most things associated with human existence.

 

Become a long haul truckie. Sydney to Perth 48 hours travelling in 3-4 days then return to Sydney and do it again. No family, no fixed address just the cabin of the truck and the voices in your head. It's about the closest I've ever got to devoid of human existence. Sure you see people occasionally but it's a complete mind fuck if you don't take measures to stop it.

Or if you're really into testing your sanity do it with someone else and see just how hard it is to live with someone when abode you choose is not much bigger than the average bathroom.

[Dead1]

33 minutes ago, KillaKukumba said:

Become a long haul truckie. Sydney to Perth 48 hours travelling in 3-4 days then return to Sydney and do it again. No family, no fixed address just the cabin of the truck and the voices in your head. It's about the closest I've ever got to devoid of human existence. Sure you see people occasionally but it's a complete mind fuck if you don't take measures to stop it.

Or if you're really into testing your sanity do it with someone else and see just how hard it is to live with someone when abode you choose is not much bigger than the average bathroom.

 

That sounds too empty even for me!  I still crave comfort like any first worlder!

It does explain why some of my wife's extended family are truckers - I doubt those guys are capable of thinking much about anything.  You'd get more intellectual conversation from a toaster than these guys.

That kind of traffic really needs to be loaded on to cargo trains which are safer and far more environmentally sustainable!  

 

[AlSymerz]

There is a lot of reasons why such cargo can't be loaded on trains and wont be for a very long time, at least not in this country.

There is also a reason in this world of job titles we/they (not me currently) are called "steering wheel attendants" and it's not because of the Rhoads Scholarship education or the scintillating conversation we can offer.

However it can be a very genuine thing where people who spend a lot of time on their own forget how to interact with other people. Even the truckie who has to make multiple log book stops in any given day and talks to people and staff at truck stops and delivery points spends so much time taking to them self that it's easy to forget how to act in company. That's not an excuse, some people actually like turning into those people, but for some it's a huge struggle to fit into society. It's not as bad as it used to be where the truck driver was the enemy of the road and car drivers genuinely hated trucks and many abused them, but it still not always easy.

 

[JonoBlade]

Gentlemen

You rock in your own ways.

Dead's line "the thing that makes me happy is essentially doing nothing" is life-affirming. I, too, consider myself kind of a lazy bastard at heart. I definitely want the path of least resistance. On paper that might not seem the case because I just made partner at work, release a couple of albums per year and follow a strict health regime; but that shit is all down to routine. I cannot take credit for much because it all falls in my lap.

WN bro. That is some seriously honest self-assessment. I completely get it.

As for life in general I just apply a rule of trying to have as minimal a negative impact on others and the planet as I can. Which is achievable due to a charmed existence. At the same time I don't take it for granted because a screw can fall loose any moment and I'd be homeless within a week if a series of unfortunate events befell me.

Until then, I cruise.

[GoatmasterGeneral]

I was an over the road trucker once. Did it for just about a year back in the pre-internet days of 94/95. Didn't find it particularly lonely or anything, I wasn't going crazy nor did I feel starved for human contact. But then I'm already a guy who enjoys his own solitary company more than most I think. I reckon sitting behind the wheel for 10 hours listening to music and watching the scenery go by is not all that much better or worse than sitting behind a computer in an office all day doing your thing. Maybe a little better because I liked not being stuck inside 4 walls all day in the same fucking place with the same stupid coworkers day in and day out. As a social introvert I deffo preferred being out and about seeing different places and meeting lots of different people in my travels but then still being able to be alone the majority of the time as I prefer. The hardest part of the job for me was when they'd have me show up somewhere at the butt crack of dawn that wasn't neccessarily expecting me and I'd have to wait around all day with my thumb up my ass to get loaded or unloaded and I'd be smoldering mad at my dispatcher for telling me be there at 5 or 6am knowing I could have slept in. That shit would really piss me off because I'm not a morning person by any stretch, I always preferred to drive all night and sleep in the daytime when I could. (This is ironic I suppose because when I quit that long haul job I got a local job where I had to be at work to load the truck at 4:30am to beat the traffic into the city) The other shitty part was there was no GPS back then so while it was simple enough to find the city or town I had to go to, I'd generally have to call customers to get the local directions to their exact location as my 50 state truckers road atlas didn't go into that much local detail. But most people are incredibly fucking stupid and usually give shitty directions or some of these idiots would even try to tell me that they didn't know how to explain how to get to a place that they drive to every fucking day! This was especially true of the dummies that tend to work in offices answering phones. I'm sure the guys in the back could have given me fairly clear directions but they weren't getting on the phone. But the thing that really got to me the most and caused me to quit after just a year was I just didn't like sleeping in random parking lots cross the country for 4 or 5 or 6 weeks at a time not being able to go home. No tv, no internet, no smart phone, no nothing. All I had was a couple dozen cassette tapes and a handful of porno mags for company. To watch a movie or something I'd have to go into the driver's lounge at truckstops and sit there with all the country ass shitkickers feeling somewhat out of place as the long haired NY metalhead. If there had been internet back then in the mid 90's I think it would have been an entirely different experience having access to more music and being able to interact with others electronically on a daily basis like I can do now from home. I might have stuck with it longer. I wouldn't go back to it now mainly because I have a 7 year old kid with no mom who needs me here. I have to take into consideration what's best for him. But if I was flying solo and I was 20 years younger like Deadovic I would seriously consider it.

[FatherAlabaster]

17 hours ago, GoatmasterGeneral said:

Deaovic said:

As much as I love my family, if I had my time again I would not marry and would not have kids.

Seriously it's mainly house work and with kids it's mainly sitting around being bored (take them to the park, to sports/other activities).  Family occasions like birthdays are mainly boring and often require interactions with other relatives you don't want to really hang with.  There's an expectation you should grit your teeth pretend to enjoy these so they turn out even more frustrating.  Even family activities often have to be compromised to the point they are not enjoyable. 

And suffice to say it also impacts on listening to metal (especially since I am not allowed to wear headphones due to industrial hearing loss).  Whilst the family is in the house, anything seriously heavy is avoided.

Yes I know it's me and I'm a selfish prick.

 

 

I feel the same way and if I could go back and do it all over again 100% I would never have married or had any kids. Not saying I don't love my kids because I love them both to death, that goes without saying. But let's just say being a single dad has its challenges to say the least. I've been married twice and had one kid with each wife. Got hitched for the first time in Sept '88 my daughter was born in June 1990, and then that 1st wife packed her shit into a big empty Huggies box and left us 6 months later that December. That's when I began my first 3 year stint as a single dad. Dumb cunt eventually came around with some shaming from her mom and then we did the back and forth thing for many years until my daughter came of age and moved out. Now she's 31 with 3 kids of her own.

In between the two wives, first in '91 I rekindled things with an ex for a few years, and then in '94 I began a nearly 17 year LTR with a co-worker where we lived and slept together and even bought a house together but fortunately we never got legally married or had any children. But that relationship got stagnant and just wasn't working for me after a decade and a half so then like an idiot I had to ignore the red flags and start over in 2011 with a much younger woman. A woman from another country no less, so I had no choice but to marry her just for her to be able to stay here in the states longer than 90 days. My son came along in January 2014, but then my 2nd wife died of cancer 3 and a half years later in October '17. After the shock and the anger and the grief and the self pity wore off I realized finally after all these last 35 years of continuously being seriously involved with one woman or another going all the way back to 1984, that I'm really much better off living by myself without a woman.

Not sure why it took me so long to come to this realization, but I've had to accept the fact that I'm just not relationship material. I value my free time too much and my women's needs too little. Not sure why most women I've known seem to feel it's our job to keep them entertained, like their happiness is somehow our responsibility. Like FA says even when you're determined to make the best of it that does not make it in any way easy. So now I'm resolved to remain a happily confirmed bachelor in my old age for however many years I might have left walking this Earth. Never again will I inflict myself on an unsuspecting woman nor will I ever again be willing to put up with their shit. No cohabitation ever again under any circumstances, the juice is simply not worth the squeeze as they say. 

I did have to learn to deal with a massive amount of guilt that I felt over feeling somewhat relieved like I had been "let off the hook" when my wife first died because I knew damn well that sooner or later we would've been headed for a nasty split. Her demise had actually saved me from both the prospect of moving our little family to New Zealand for her to be able to get her $10,000 tri-weekly cancer treatments for free that were unaffordable to us here in the U.S. (having spent a few months in Kiwiland spread over several occassions I very strongly did not want to leave the states to go live in New Zealand indefinitely) and it also saved me from the unavoidable unpleasantness of a prolonged international custody battle over our son. But now 3 and a half years later I've mostly moved past that guilt. Despite how her death helped me to dodge a large & lethal bullet coming right for me, I can now allow myself to believe that it's not my fault she got cancer and died. 

I will say that I feel a deep empathy for those men out there who might feel trapped in unhappy relationships for years on end with the mothers of their children. Sorry dudes, I truly feel your pain. And for any family men out there who have found a way to make it work and are happily married with kids and think family life is wonderful and don't know what the fuck us cranky ungrateful bastards are bitching about, I'll just say congrats guys, good on ya mates and more power to you. Maybe youze could write a book and teach the rest of us.

A lot of this sounds incredibly painful. I recall Jayke mentioning the loss of your wife at the time. I don't know how I'd go on after that. I've come away from my own losses diminished and more risk-averse than I'd like to be. I do think I'm lucky in my relationship with my wife, we've known each other for over 25 years and been together 13 at this point, and I adore her. But I know that fear of loneliness was part of what drove my desire to be married, and I've wound up giving up a ton of what I wanted for myself in order to keep her happy, piece by piece. Little things that made sense on their own every time. Instead of being a shop worker and construction manager in Brooklyn, working on art and music, and spending spare time with my friends (which was honestly almost everything I wanted out of life), I'm a stay-at-home dad trying to scrape in some money as an illustrator in MA, I'm socially isolated, and making the time for even paying work is a fight, to say nothing of the time it'll take to build the art career I actually want. It's not all bad here by any stretch, just very far from where I wanted to be, both in terms of location and accomplishments.

This is weighing more heavily on my mind lately because we're expecting another little one this coming spring. You heard it here first! I'm pretty torn about this - it's something my wife wanted more than almost anything else, and I want her to be happy. And I'm sure I'll love the little tyke. On the other hand I'm very worried about losing what little time and freedom I have left, based on my experience the first time around. There's a point at which I will have given up too much, and I guess I just hope I don't get there.

 

The other thing on my mind is, I'm finally done with the huge mixing and recording project I've had going for the past month and a half, and now I need a break to clear my head before diving back into everything else.

[BMB]

It’s a fine line between a compromise and a sacrifice, it all gets a little blurry within a relationship.

[MacabreEternal]

10 minutes ago, FatherAlabaster said:

A lot of this sounds incredibly painful. I recall Jayke mentioning the loss of your wife at the time. I don't know how I'd go on after that. I've come away from my own losses diminished and more risk-averse than I'd like to be. I do think I'm lucky in my relationship with my wife, we've known each other for over 25 years and been together 13 at this point, and I adore her. But I know that fear of loneliness was part of what drove my desire to be married, and I've wound up giving up a ton of what I wanted for myself in order to keep her happy, piece by piece. Little things that made sense on their own every time. Instead of being a shop worker and construction manager in Brooklyn, working on art and music, and spending spare time with my friends (which was honestly almost everything I wanted out of life), I'm a stay-at-home dad trying to scrape in some money as an illustrator in MA, I'm socially isolated, and making the time for even paying work is a fight, to say nothing of the time it'll take to build the art career I actually want. It's not all bad here by any stretch, just very far from where I wanted to be, both in terms of location and accomplishments.

This is weighing more heavily on my mind lately because we're expecting another little one this coming spring. You heard it here first! I'm pretty torn about this - it's something my wife wanted more than almost anything else, and I want her to be happy. And I'm sure I'll love the little tyke. On the other hand I'm very worried about losing what little time and freedom I have left, based on my experience the first time around. There's a point at which I will have given up too much, and I guess I just hope I don't get there.

 

The other thing on my mind is, I'm finally done with the huge mixing and recording project I've had going for the past month and a half, and now I need a break to clear my head before diving back into everything else.

I take a day away from the forum and we get all reflective and pregnant.  Congrats man.

I have nothing of any real difference to add to the conversation.  I am a selfish prick at heart who grew up a happy loner and after one failed marriage I somehow managed to find someone else who is of a similar mindset around quality alone time alongside the regular relationship stuff.

I am far too selfish to be a parent and after living with someone else's little fuckers for several years if I had any desires to have any of my own then that certainly would have killed it. All my friends have kids and never stop moaning about how hard it is and how after infancy you get teenagedom and then paying for university and they don't leave home until at least 30 nowadays and PLEASE FUCKING KILL ME NOW!

My rampant workaholism is in no small part to my desire to maintain a level of company that is just me, myself and I.  Having escaped the office trap 7 years ago I have worked away as a consultant through the week initially before becoming a salesperson out on the road most days up until COVID.  Hotel life had its pitfalls for sure but I was just responsible for my own happiness and comfort 4 nights out 7 even if I ended up in a shithole.

[FatherAlabaster]

1 minute ago, MacabreEternal said:

I take a day away from the forum and we get all reflective and pregnant.  Congrats man.

See what happens when you take time off? 

In fact, now that I think about it, I bet none of this would have come about if I'd just stayed on the forum the entire time. 

[Dead1]

3 hours ago, FatherAlabaster said:

because we're expecting another little one this coming spring. You heard it here first! I'm pretty torn about this - it's something my wife wanted more than almost anything else, and I want her to be happy. And I'm sure I'll love the little tyke. On the other hand I'm very worried about losing what little time and freedom I have left, based on my experience the first time around. There's a point at which I will have given up too much, and I guess I just hope I don't get there.

 

Congratulations!

I am "lucky" - wife always wanted only 1 (I didn't really want children) and she had such a difficult pregnancy that she decided to never do it again.  

The funny thing is we had a kid and love her but we generally hate or at least seriously dislike other people's children and always did.  As the Metal-fiers know, I am pretty much intolerant of most people and that includes children.  

Doesn't help kids these days are brought up badly.  I often see people's kids and think "wow, if I did that back in my way, I would have been literally belted."

Little wonder these little spoiled brats then grow up into adults that are selfish, and cannot handle criticism or someone saying "no".

  

My daughter is spoiled by say the standards of the 1950-60s but by the standards of today she's extremely well behaved and seldom gets in trouble.  She is a superb student and like her mother does well at whatever she puts her mind to. 

 

 

[AlSymerz]

Haha, I think disliking other peoples kids is par for the course. Spend any time at a shopping centre and it doesn't take long to realise how many parents think coffee shops and food courts are child minding centres where you dump the kids, sit down and have coffee and forget the kids exist until it's impossible not to.

Out in the boonies where I live we don't have a huge street kids problem, it does exist but no where near to the extent the city has it so it is a bit easier to forget that some kids are shits just looking for trouble. In general schools a lot better these days with bullying and generally shitty behaviour, again it happens but nowhere near to the extent we had it where school was one fight after another, detentions, suspensions and a majority of kids quitting at 14 1/2 to get jobs at the local abattoir.

 

 

[Dead1]

1 hour ago, KillaKukumba said:

 

Out in the boonies where I live we don't have a huge street kids problem, it does exist but no where near to the extent the city has it so it is a bit easier to forget that some kids are shits just looking for trouble. In general schools a lot better these days with bullying and generally shitty behaviour, again it happens but nowhere near to the extent we had it where school was one fight after another, detentions, suspensions and a majority of kids quitting at 14 1/2 to get jobs at the local abattoir.

 

 

 

I am actually referring to middle class kids not street kids!  Rotten shits.

 

With regards to bullying, we've found it's on a different level these days and far worse in many ways.

Back in my day  it was name calling and occasionally beating each other up.  These days  it's active social exclusion in bloody Grade 2-3 and the violence includes choking.  We've even had some cyber bullying despite the kids young age.  One of our friend's daughters was repeatedly inappropriately touched by a boy in grade 1 (school did nothing and it ended up going to the minister of Education who also did nothing!).

The other issue is the really bad kids are simply allowed to disrupt the class as there is no active discipline at school anymore as its viewed as stigmatising or the kid has some "disorder" the parents shopped around for (autism or ADHD or ODD) - eg my sister in law shopped for an autism disorder for her son and just kept seeing different specialists until one said autism.

My daughter's class was regularly being "evacuated" cause one of the boys was a terror.  And he didn't even have a diagnosed disorder despite apparently being evaluated several times.  The only thing that stopped this was his family left for Queensland.

 

There's other boys still in the class who are allowed to carry on, mistreat/bully other students and disrupt classes on the grounds of autism, ADHD, ODD, *insert excuse here*.  Class evacuations still happen.

 

They actually let these kids do as they please and even reward them for not misbehaving.  My daughter already sees this as really unfair.

 

It's all tolerated by schools as well as the after school care mob (many of whom apparently university educated teachers themselves according to their staff profiles in the brochures).

 

 

After some nasty events I wrote a very formal complaint to the school and advised that they promoted a culture of tolerance and submission to bullying as well as enforcing the idea that it is OK for boys to perpetrate violence against girls.

The school had us meet with everyone from teacher to vice principal to principal who all vehemently denied this and waved their rather ineffectual policy against us.  Literally they said they don't do public punishments because it stigmatises the bully and that we have to be tolerant of people with mental illness or disorders or some like shit.

They said they certainly didn't approve of gender based violence but did not state how they try to prevent it (and we knew about the inappropriate touching case that ended up going to the education minister).

And this is one of the best local schools too.  I know a teacher in one of the worst and his stories are far worse.

Private schools are no better - my sister in law's boy has used autism as an excuse to smash other kids.  His mother and father basically used his autism as an excuse to not bother with discipline and instead pander to his every whim.  And when he had trouble in a public high school whereby he was assaulting girls, they withdrew him and sent him to a private one where he is continuing to commit violent acts without any repercussion except a "stern" warning.

Theirs's is a great example of modern shopping for diagnosis.  They saw at least 3 specialists and only stopped going when they got the autism diagnosis which is what the mother maintained was the issue from the start - from what I am aware first one said ADHD, second one said anxiety and third said autism.  

 

 

I'd rather go back to the 1950s where these rotten little shits got the shit beaten out of them.  And if someone really suffers from a major disorder then put them in a special school where they get appropriate care and don't destroy the education of 20+ of their class mates.

 

[AlSymerz]

I was referring (perhaps poorly) to all kids and by street kids I mean kids that walk the street during school hours, during night hours, not kids that live on the street, we generally don't have kids living on the street in the boonies.

I'm not saying our schools are free from problems, even extreme problems, but what happens in city schools is about 150% of the reasons why we moved away from the city when we decided to have kids. The higher wages, the easier working conditions of office work, the 'everything on the doorstep' living was easy to give up in preference of an easier life for both ourselves and the kids.

No school is perfect but I'm happy with the way our schools have dealt with problem students from the ages of 5 right through to young adulthood. Our teachers don't let one kid disrupt the entire class, where possibly they don't let things get out of hand and in many cases they deal with the problem kids better than the parents do. Sure there will always be outbursts and tantrums, but even normal kids do that from time to time.

But the other thing we've also seen is how many good teachers there are that can control a class and ensure everyone in it is educated. There will always be mediocre teachers, and ours haven't had any extra training to city teachers but we've seen first hand how even in secondary school teachers can work with the kids at all levels and not have one kid fall through the cracks because they are a slower learner, or have trouble paying attention.

Teachers of my day used to smack us with a wooden ruler, throw projectiles at us, yell, damn in many ways the teachers were bigger bullies than some of the kids. But that sort of teacher didn't help. Sure they might have spurred us into behaving for the rest of the class but there was no long term behavioural change. Just like parent smacking kids with a wooden spoon, leather belt, or whatever else was handy. If that shit actually worked we'd have only needed to be belted once and we'd never have stepped out of line again. That's not to say patting a kid on the head for being a shit is the way to handle it, but smacking them across the knuckles with a lump of wood doesn't work either. Especially not for our woodwork teacher that smacked a mate of mine across the knuckles with a lump of timber and found himself laying on the floor knocked out from one punch. The smack across the knuckles didn't make my mate think twice, but the ban from defending his Australia Jnr Boxing title sure fucking did!

I agree too many parents seek out a diagnosis for their child that suits them and that creates problems for many of those kids throughout life. However by the same token it also means there is just as many kids on the other side of the fence who go through life struggling because their parents can't or wont see that there is problems, so they never get diagnosed.

[Dead1]

 

 

23 minutes ago, KillaKukumba said:

 

I'm not saying our schools are free from problems, even extreme problems, but what happens in city schools is about 150% of the reasons why we moved away from the city when we decided to have kids. The higher wages, the easier working conditions of office work, the 'everything on the doorstep' living was easy to give up in preference of an easier life for both ourselves and the kids.

No school is perfect but I'm happy with the way our schools have dealt with problem students from the ages of 5 right through to young adulthood. Our teachers don't let one kid disrupt the entire class, where possibly they don't let things get out of hand and in many cases they deal with the problem kids better than the parents do. Sure there will always be outbursts and tantrums, but even normal kids do that from time to time.

But the other thing we've also seen is how many good teachers there are that can control a class and ensure everyone in it is educated. There will always be mediocre teachers, and ours haven't had any extra training to city teachers but we've seen first hand how even in secondary school teachers can work with the kids at all levels and not have one kid fall through the cracks because they are a slower learner, or have trouble paying attention.

Teachers of my day used to smack us with a wooden ruler, throw projectiles at us, yell, damn in many ways the teachers were bigger bullies than some of the kids. But that sort of teacher didn't help. Sure they might have spurred us into behaving for the rest of the class but there was no long term behavioural change. Just like parent smacking kids with a wooden spoon, leather belt, or whatever else was handy. If that shit actually worked we'd have only needed to be belted once and we'd never have stepped out of line again. That's not to say patting a kid on the head for being a shit is the way to handle it, but smacking them across the knuckles with a lump of wood doesn't work either. Especially not for our woodwork teacher that smacked a mate of mine across the knuckles with a lump of timber and found himself laying on the floor knocked out from one punch. The smack across the knuckles didn't make my mate think twice, but the ban from defending his Australia Jnr Boxing title sure fucking did!

I agree too many parents seek out a diagnosis for their child that suits them and that creates problems for many of those kids throughout life. However by the same token it also means there is just as many kids on the other side of the fence who go through life struggling because their parents can't or wont see that there is problems, so they never get diagnosed.

 

Our schools are regional schools - I'm in Launceston in the best part of the country.    I think the issue is Tasmanian Education department policy that are driven by a set of ideals that are actually counterproductive to most of the student population.

The whole thing is actually a big joke.

I always find it fascinating that anywhere up to 50% of Australia's population is functionally illiterate.  And in Tassie that number is confirmed (47.2% of men and 53.1% of women are functionally literate by OECD standards).

 

As a society we are doing really poorly for our kids.

 

But then the teachers don't even get it.  My mate the teacher was talking about how education system is steeped toward industrial style work in factories and not high tech, high initiative, flexible STEM  jobs of today - this is what he read in teaching journals.

To which point I said to him "most Australians work in repetitive non-high tech work that requires very little education - retail, hospitality, basic health and human services like aged care."  (And even most modern IT is quite repetitive and low initiative.)

He thought about it and then admitted that modern teaching thought doesn't even think about that.  

And then he admits most of the current teaching trends are about inclusion and reducing stress on students (even though stress is a normal part of human existence and knowing how to cope with it is an important skill).

I asked him for advice  during COVID lockdown and he said the most important thing is teaching kids how to do basic things like make a sandwich or play by themselves.   The work provided by the school was extremely basic and my daughter would finish it in an hour.

My kid hated it - she loves maths and writing and she loves a challenge.  She actually finds school work lacking in challenge but it is based on lowest common denominator - the little spoiled shits with no attention spans from homes where reading is checking your social media and who cause no end of disruption in class.

 

 

This article is really good - it talks about Australia's increasingly low sophistication, low education requirement economy:

https://www.afr.com/policy/economy/australia-is-rich-dumb-and-getting-dumber-20191007-p52y8i

 

 

 

 

[AlSymerz]

Secondary schools here are pushing STEM subjects. The kids do regular trips to the TAFE as a part of their subjects and the schools are building dedicated tech, science and maths wings.

One of our biggest problems in this country is state borders and state leaders. It's been happening for years but the pandemic has reinforced the idea that we are not a united country of states but all separate. The way each and every state can go their separate ways, belittle other states and flat out ignore them when it comes to something as important as health proves that we could never be unified on something like education.

I have no idea which state is the best, or the worst but the difference between states is ridiculous. Even when I got out of tech school it was neigh on impossible to take my Victorian report and show it to a prospective employer in NSW because they had no idea how to read it. Then when Victoria introduced the VCE in the 90's and year 12 students left school with an S for satisfactory or an N for not satisfactory, no grades, no pass, no fail, the reports kids had to show prospective employers weren't just impossible to read, then meant fucking nothing as well. That has been fixed 30 years on, but we are still no closer to having any sort on unified education system where all kids of the same level get taught the same stuff no matter what their postcode.

Lockdown school was a joke, my kids hated it, the work they had was done by 10am most days, the work they had was no where near to a standard they were getting in the classroom. The teachers kept saying our job as parents was to support not teach. They were right, we had to support them by given them something interesting to do because the kids were bored out of their mind.

 

[markm]

Re: kids and family subject, it's good to hear from different men at various stages of their lives being able to express ourselves in an anonymous format where we might feel shame to publicly admit these things. 

To all the young dudes to borrow a phrase, I offer the additional phrase-(if you hang in there) this too shall pass. 

As one of the older posters here, in my mid 50's now, I went through a number of years of deep unhappiness, but have found a way through. My girlfriend and I moved to LA so I could pursue an acting career in my late 20's...fell into teaching along the way. Married my gf (26 years now) and around 30 she wanted a kid. I did not. Should have worked this out much earlier. Her mother died whom she was very close to and ultimately supported me for a few years.

I felt a certain amount of guilt and finally gave into getting pregnant with the proviso that I didn't really want children. I felt a certain emotional betrayal that she would want a child knowing my heart wasn't in the deal, but once I consented, I knew I had to  step up.

But I felt resentment for years. I wasn't the easiest person to live with and now wish I had been more present for my daughter, now entering her last year in college as a nursing student. We always were careful to keep any misgivings away from our daughter. I ended up bearing most of the financial burden as my wife struggled to find income after pregnancy equal to prior...we had an understanding that we were 50/50 all the way, but her priorities shifted naturally as they will from us as a couple to the child and it was difficult for me  as  I made the majority of the income (she now has a good job working as a University dean's assistance but still makes significantly under her earning potential) & I was the parent first home as teacher (off early), getting dinner ready, taking her to practices, picking  her up from school and all that. 

The whole time feeling like I settled for a life I didn't really want. I felt like I got a raw deal of being the primary income which wasn't the original plan and having to be the parent at home in the afternoons. But shit happens. Another shameless cliché-we make our own beds. 

 I worked on myself, meditation, etc. I ended up pursuing hobbies and interest on the weekends (Ie kayaking) and was emotionally absent for a few years.  

Once our daughter started driving and became more independent and then went to college and we became empty nesters, my life has really opened up. Things shift. I think I am less of an asshole as I used to be. 

Just want to say, whatever your circumstances are now, the givens that  Buddhism have taught me are impermanence/change and suffering/unhappiness/grasping/wanting/self-delusion and the like. BTW, I don't identify as a Buddhist, I'm far too much of a materialistic, self absorbed prick to ever find the middle path free free from grasping and aversion, but it's the one world religion that doesn't seem completely stupid to me.  

I've tried to work on myself and wish I had been a better dad and husband at times. Ultimately, all I can do is move forward and recommit to either leave the marriage which I didn't want to do and think I finally got my head right. 

It's easy to loose years to regret and discontent. But at some point life will shift.  I know it's hard. Try to enjoy the present moment. Note to self-haha.

[Hungarino]

On 8/11/2021 at 10:07 PM, JonoBlade said:

Bandcamp isn't as insidious as facebook yet then. 

It is up to the labels and bands how irritating they want to be with mailshots.

yet...I follow damn near every band that I think might be worth a shit and am inundated with emails. I prison of my own making. But Thatguy is right the dungeon thing is so stupid I might just start making it myself. 

[Hungarino]

I feel like I deal with an endless parade of complete dipshits most days and then pop into the forum and read some of the most self-aware and introspective reflections on life, and well written at that. It is humbling and gives me hope. But I am 45 and teetering between some modest success on the one hand and despondent nihilism on the other. Chalk it up to covid and hectic work and burnout I suppose, but there are days, many days, where I would happily abandon all of humanity if I could survive comfortably somewhere on my own.

[MacabreEternal]

Bank Holiday weekend has involved a sick cat, deep cleaning of house, a hot tub and some prog/tech death metal and not necessarily in that order.  To avoid total boredom tonight we will make use of the free night we have of the hot tub and chill out in the dark because we are kvlt.

Plus point for the week is that the mother-in-law is not coming to stay after all and so I don't have to work 18 hour days to avoid her.  A short four day week should give a less challenging week before I have to drive down to "fackin' Landan!" next week for a meeting.  Cities.  Errrrrr. Shudders.

[FatherAlabaster]

We're back from two days at the Ren Faire. We've never done two days in a row before. Had a blast. My son played all the games, rode a camel, had a couple of "sword" fights. A man juggled axes and flaming whips and balanced a sword on top of another sword on his forehead while juggling more swords. A woman got in a handstand, lifted a bow and arrow over her back with her feet, and shot a yellow balloon named Jerry. I got some boots. My wife got a hat. Fun!

[MacabreEternal]

56 minutes ago, FatherAlabaster said:

We're back from two days at the Ren Faire. We've never done two days in a row before. Had a blast. My son played all the games, rode a camel, had a couple of "sword" fights. A man juggled axes and flaming whips and balanced a sword on top of another sword on his forehead while juggling more swords. A woman got in a handstand, lifted a bow and arrow over her back with her feet, and shot a yellow balloon named Jerry. I got some boots. My wife got a hat. Fun!

RIP Jerry the Balloon, one time racing car driver...

[navybsn]

 

[Dead1]

Navy, I literally can't press play on that video lest it get stuck in my head for the next month!  

[navybsn]

On 8/20/2021 at 5:47 AM, markm said:

Re: kids and family subject, it's good to hear from different men at various stages of their lives being able to express ourselves in an anonymous format where we might feel shame to publicly admit these things. 

To all the young dudes to borrow a phrase, I offer the additional phrase-(if you hang in there) this too shall pass. 

As one of the older posters here, in my mid 50's now, I went through a number of years of deep unhappiness, but have found a way through. My girlfriend and I moved to LA so I could pursue an acting career in my late 20's...fell into teaching along the way. Married my gf (26 years now) and around 30 she wanted a kid. I did not. Should have worked this out much earlier. Her mother died whom she was very close to and ultimately supported me for a few years.

I felt a certain amount of guilt and finally gave into getting pregnant with the proviso that I didn't really want children. I felt a certain emotional betrayal that she would want a child knowing my heart wasn't in the deal, but once I consented, I knew I had to  step up.

But I felt resentment for years. I wasn't the easiest person to live with and now wish I had been more present for my daughter, now entering her last year in college as a nursing student. We always were careful to keep any misgivings away from our daughter. I ended up bearing most of the financial burden as my wife struggled to find income after pregnancy equal to prior...we had an understanding that we were 50/50 all the way, but her priorities shifted naturally as they will from us as a couple to the child and it was difficult for me  as  I made the majority of the income (she now has a good job working as a University dean's assistance but still makes significantly under her earning potential) & I was the parent first home as teacher (off early), getting dinner ready, taking her to practices, picking  her up from school and all that. 

The whole time feeling like I settled for a life I didn't really want. I felt like I got a raw deal of being the primary income which wasn't the original plan and having to be the parent at home in the afternoons. But shit happens. Another shameless cliché-we make our own beds. 

 I worked on myself, meditation, etc. I ended up pursuing hobbies and interest on the weekends (Ie kayaking) and was emotionally absent for a few years.  

Once our daughter started driving and became more independent and then went to college and we became empty nesters, my life has really opened up. Things shift. I think I am less of an asshole as I used to be. 

Just want to say, whatever your circumstances are now, the givens that  Buddhism have taught me are impermanence/change and suffering/unhappiness/grasping/wanting/self-delusion and the like. BTW, I don't identify as a Buddhist, I'm far too much of a materialistic, self absorbed prick to ever find the middle path free free from grasping and aversion, but it's the one world religion that doesn't seem completely stupid to me.  

I've tried to work on myself and wish I had been a better dad and husband at times. Ultimately, all I can do is move forward and recommit to either leave the marriage which I didn't want to do and think I finally got my head right. 

It's easy to loose years to regret and discontent. But at some point life will shift.  I know it's hard. Try to enjoy the present moment. Note to self-haha.

Dude, I swear we are basically living the same life at times. This is pretty much my same experience. I have more than a few regrets on how I have treated my family. I wish I would have prioritized my family more than I did (still wish I did it more now). My military career made me prioritize work over family ("they are not issued in your seabag"). My career now as a Nurse Executive for a large healthcare system is much the same way. Work is always the top priority. There are times that I wish I had chosen a different path in life, but it is what it is. I can't say I'm unhappy with my life or where I am. It's hard to complain about a smoking hot wife that adores me, a beautiful albeit lazy adult daughter, a nice home, and a good salary. I feel like an asshole for even entertaining the thought of unhappiness when it does creep in.

I do identify as a Buddhist, mostly in the Zen tradition but I do mix in a few things from related traditions. I've been practicing for roughly 30 years. One thing that drew me to it in the first place was that I saw Buddhism as a way to improve on my "faults". Make myself more into that zen master you see in the movies. Calm, always knows the right thing to say, not attached to material success, observe and consider vs. reactionary, etc... I'm none of those things. Over the years I've come to understand that it really doesn't work that way. It does help me to see my faults more clearly and understand why I do things. That has chilled me out some, but I am still a materialistic self-absorbed prick and will probably die as one.. Maybe if I were more consistent in my practice. I was pretty hardcore during and for the first few years after my issues with brain cancer, but I've fallen off recently. Always room for improvement you know.

I can't agree more with the "this too shall pass" sentiment. Once we became empty nesters, life significantly improved. I have much more free time to pursue my interests/hobbies and life is generally more orderly which appeals to my raging OCD. I don't dislike my daughter, quite the contrary, but I don't like living with her. She's too much like her old man. An emotional hothead, and we clash pretty much constantly. I am quite happy though that I am in a position to take care of her the way my parents never were able to take care of me. I grew up eating bologna sandwiches for dinner if I got anything, she did not. I wasn't always sure we were going to have a house to go home to, she grew up never having to worry about that. Certainly doesn't justify focusing on career over family, but I do take some piece of mind knowing that I have provided for them as well as I have.

The thought to just dump everything and go my own way does surface every once in a while, but I'm old enough now to understand the consequences of that are more severe that I would want to endure. So I refocus and recommit as you said. Learning to accept/embrace your lot in life comes with age.