Your Lyrics

[Midi]

Grass waves in the wind Green as our eyes What will you do, my beloved serpent? Bestow upon us the amorphous dream of being Cogs in a perpetuum mobile Crafting and feeding ourselves Breeding, we wait Our feet don’t touch the ground anymore It’s become distant Can we still see the colour of the tear? What reflects in our eyes Green as the grass that waves in the wind Can we still notice, my beloved serpent?

[deathstorm]

Hey midi great. Lyrics

[FatherAlabaster]

Some parts of it are really effective, some are a bit cheesy for my taste. Overall, I like the structure, and the simplicity. I'd have to hear it to say anything more. Nice job!

[Midi]

Some parts of it are really effective' date=' some are a bit cheesy for my taste. Overall, I like the structure, and the simplicity. I'd have to hear it to say anything more. Nice job![/quote'] The second stanza still has to be worked on, as it's grabbed out of one of my earlier poems. I felt like writing something something angry, so what's written is still a rough and impulsive text

[FatherAlabaster]

Hmm. I don't get much of an impression of anger from this. I do like the second section, in context of the "beloved serpent" line it recalls the ouroboros, and that's echoed by the circular structure. The lines that need editing (only in my inexpert opinion) are the "amorphous dream of being" and the "colour of the tear" lines, they seem to lack the energy or forward motion of the rest.

[Midi]

Hmm. I don't get much of an impression of anger from this. I do like the second section' date=' in context of the "beloved serpent" line it recalls the ouroboros, and that's echoed by the circular structure. The lines that need editing (only in my inexpert opinion) are the "amorphous dream of being" and the "colour of the tear" lines, they seem to lack the energy or forward motion of the rest.[/quote'] They do indeed lack some of the directness of the other lines. They're words I've had in my head for ages and I haven't found a better way to phrase them yet. I'll give them some more thought. I tried to put the emphasis on some feelings before closing the structure, but in a way I strongly feel the words now are insufficient to succeed in this purpose. Thanks for the feedback!

[Midi]

Dug up an old poem about a friend. Turned it into English and changed some details to include it in the new music. She called herself Wolf’s Bane Dwelling through landscapes unknown Ever so nigh, ever so far away There, she lies all by herself Does the sun shine? Falling asleep once more Oh, how she wishes she was alone The silence before the storm She is but a story away But frozen in existence She leaves almost unseen

[deathstorm]

Those are good. Lyrics midi

[FatherAlabaster]

There are some good lines. "Dwelling through" is improper (or awkward) usage, though; you can dwell in or on something but not through it, especially if it's a physical object like a landscape. Use of the word "nigh" also sticks out too much IMO, you don't have a consistently archaic style so it doesn't seem justified - it just feels unnecessarily "poetic". The other thing I'd pick on is use of the word "but" twice in the last stanza, it sounds awkward; I'd replace the first one with "only" or the last one with "yet". I like the last line, it's ambiguous but suggestive; I'd like to see the "wolf's bane" idea returned to, and explored just a little further, since it's a strong opening that doesn't really go anywhere. I know English isn't your first language, and overall I think you're doing a great job.

[Midi]

Those are good. Lyrics midi

Thanks!

Hmm' date=' there are some good lines. "Dwelling through" is improper usage, you can dwell in or on something but not through it, especially if it's a physical object like a landscape. Use of the word "nigh" also sticks out too much IMO, you don't have a consistently archaic style so it doesn't seem justified - it just feels unnecessarily "poetic". The other thing I'd pick on is use of the word "but" twice in the last stanza, it sounds awkward; I'd replace the first one with "only" or the last one with "yet". I like the last line, it's ambiguous but suggestive; I'd like to see the "wolf's bane" idea returned to, and explored just a little further, since it's a strong opening that doesn't really go anywhere.[/quote'] First of all, thanks for correcting and for the constructive criticism! There's a point in avoiding unnecessairy archaïc words. It's an old habit I still haven't unlearned. I'll give other options more thought later on; no words to replace 'nigh' come to mind right now. The double use of 'but' is indeed not optimal. In the original Dutch version they do derive from 2 different words ('Slechts' and 'maar'), I guess I was too hasty in my translation: another bad habit. Wolf's Bane is a term that got introduced in the English version. She actually named herself after a type of bird. I changed it to alter some more personal details and named her Wolf's Bane because of my love for plants at that time and because of its beauty despite the dangers that aren't obvious at first sight. Also, the petals as seen sightways reminded me of butterflies, which is quite ironic for this song. I'll look into the feedback and alter the parts which seem in need of change

[FatherAlabaster]

For "nigh", either "near" or "close" would work fine.

[GorboGorboze]

Say Midi, if it's not a hassle, I would like to hear your thoughts on the subject of English as the principle language is which to write lyrics. Does is seem cool for lyrics to be in English? I'm sure many non English as a first language speaking bands write in English for marketability. This is an issue that interests me. I recall you saying that you like English for songs and poetry, I wonder why.

[Midi]

Well, there's indeed the issue of appealing to a larger audience that has some benefits, but I wouldn't call it 'cool'. One of the reasons I've written a few things in English is also because -and this fact intrigues me enormously- different languages seem more appealing to use based on feelings I have. My friends have often noticed me fall back on English or French sentences in certain situations. Another reason I may attempt to write something in English is because the majority of my favorite poets wrote in that very language

[Midi]

Gesmoord Ik kijk en zie wat zich afspeelt in een lege tijd alsof het eigenlijk nooit gebeuren kan: Oneindige wortels ontworteld ze glimlachen weten: dit is omdat het moet zijn of is het? En zie nu die bleke wortels vermoord versteend en te koud om te voeden wat stil sterft diep begraven In het doek (unfinished) Ik bewonder de waarden, met ’t hart in de hand geboetseerd--verf uit lang vervlogen tijden over mensen door ad’ren gescheiden doch in ziel en kracht door ’t lot gelijken ...

[deathstorm]

Cool lyrics. Midi

[RelentlessOblivion]

Done some more work on these lately. They seem to be coming along more easily then my short story though again I'm not overly pleased with them. Weeping in the stifling dark Sits a pale, frightened, girl Icy tears stream down her face And pool upon the floor She tries to stand, tries to move As terror grips her heart Her body seems frozen stiff Paralyzed by fear This pale, weeping, girl She now tries to scream Her lips stay still, no sound comes forth Like her mouth is sewn shut Her voice is locked away The horror only deepens As cries come from the dark Child-like they whisper To the pale, frightened, girl These horrid, ageless, voices Command the girl to rise Come to me their call implores Through bursts of fiendish laughter The girl is free now She turns and starts to run But there is no escaping The darkness has surely won This is only a dream The pale girl now screams I'll wake safe and warm To the early morning sun But nothing breaks the darkness And no one hears her screams The black laughter bellows And mocks her helpless pleas Come to us now The call commands once more Against her will the girl now runs To that horrid, evil, sound

[Midi]

This is a nice set of lyrics. I personally would replace some of the descriptions to emotions of the girl herself. Apart from adjectives to describe the girl, not much is specifically said about her view of things. The 'darkness', 'horror', etc. is well described, but I think it might be nicer to have a less distant view of things in some lines.

[RelentlessOblivion]

Thanks for the feedback.

[RelentlessOblivion]

Ok the latest incarnation of those lyrics, the story seems to have played out albeit in a very predictable fashion Weeping in the stifling dark Sits a pale, frightened, girl Icy tears stream down her face And pool upon the floor She tries to stand, tries to move As terror grips her heart Her body seems frozen stiff Paralyzed by fear This pale, weeping, girl She now will try to scream Her lips stay still, no sound comes forth And her cries are locked away The horror only deepens As cries come from the darkness And child-like they whisper To the weeping, frightened, girl These horrid, ageless, voices Command the girl to rise Come to us their call implores Though fiendish fits of laughter So slowly now she rises And tries to turn away But her body won't obey here So she goes in search of voices Which call out in the dark The sickly stench of evil Now permeates the air But still the girl does venture Through the ever deepening black At last she stumbles upon them The source of the hideous cries And still the voices are calling From a swarming army of flies The spell now is broken And the girl is finally free She turns and starts to run But there is no escaping And the darkness has surely won This is surely a dream The pale girl does scream And I'll wake safe and warm soon To the early morning sun But no light breaks the darkness And no one hears her screams Black laughter bellows endlessly To mock her helpless pleas The girl shall dwell here forever In the dark with an army of flies Trapped in the unending madness For sanity is now only lies

[Midi]

The feckless tongue Oozing vowels, banish God Out of Paradise once more Spit blasphemy towards life Another anaesthetized smile Look how pure it makes us Such cacophony of requests! But oh, how soothing they can be, the words of a child. The artificial womb I only left it stillborn Which son still lives in us? Wingless we now tread Fall again, for me Fall, once and forevermore Fall and fill me with life

[deathstorm]

Hey midi great lyrics

[Iceni]

I do like those. I can't quite get my head 'round the last verse though.

[Midi]

I do like those. I can't quite get my head 'round the last verse though.

I guess that can only be interesting. Or not.

[GorboGorboze]

The hardest rock I've ever heard is locked inside my head I would rip the fucker open and let you eat my brains like bread I'm aware of the constant sorrow in a life of fear and dread But laugh and smile and feel like murder and play my music instead

[RelentlessOblivion]

What's that in the mirror And the corner of your eye? What's that footstep following But never passing by? What's that sound that whispers From underneath your bed? What if something's hiding there And it's not just in your head? What's that breath upon your neck When there's nothing you can see? Where is that thing watching you And what might it be? What's this strange sensation When you are all alone? What's this eerie feeling Which chills you to the bone? Perhaps when silence falls Perhaps when we're all dead Out they will come slithering From underneath your bed