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my parents dont love me because I m a metalhead


helvete

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I'm 19 years old... And my parents have hated me since I was 16...

You may ask why...
I'm a metalhead and they hate me for that. From my dressing, my lifestyle and my music...
When I was 16, my parents used to try to throw my clothes away.
I remember my dad trying to burn my band t-shirts...
And I have so many friends
What would you recommend me to do?

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8 hours ago, helvete said:

I'm 19 years old... And my parents have hated me since I was 16...

You may ask why...
I'm a metalhead and they hate me for that. From my dressing, my lifestyle and my music...
When I was 16, my parents used to try to throw my clothes away.
I remember my dad trying to burn my band t-shirts...
And I have so many friends
What would you recommend me to do?

As a parent of a boy 11 years younger than you, as well as a girl 13 years older than you, I would suggest that your parents probably don't hate you. They probably love you very much, but they don't understand you or what you're doing. They might be very old fashioned and tradiutional minded. In their minds they want to "save" you from this evil and destructive metal lifestyle and I think the first thing you should do is at least try to talk to them and explain your side of things. And also although I know it's hard when you're 19 but you should at least put yourself in their position and try to understand where they're coming from. There's no guarantee that talking to them will yield any positive results, but I think it'd be a good first step. If talking to them turns out to be nonproductive, keep in mind you are an adult now, you could allways move out on your own. Find a friend or two to move in with. I don't know if it's normal in Turkey for 19 year olds to leave their parents' home and go out on their own but I think you might find your relationship with your parents improves if you're not living under ther roof and can establish yourself as an adult who can take care of herself. Whatever happens I wish you good luck!

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It’s difficult I know but GG is right, sounds like you have very Conservative parents who would be concerned most likely because of how heavy metal is demonised, especially in more religious countries like Turkey. All you can do is either calmly try to open a dialogue explaining your point of view or explore avenues to get out of that environment.

All you can do is either calmly try to open a dialogue explaining your point of view or explore avenues to get out of that environment.

 

Look on the bright side though at least it’s only your taste in music they have a problem with not your entire existence. That barrier is much harder to overcome I speak from experience. 

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4 hours ago, GoatmasterGeneral said:

As a parent of a boy 11 years younger than you, as well as a girl 13 years older than you, I would suggest that your parents probably don't hate you. They probably love you very much, but they don't understand you or what you're doing. They might be very old fashioned and tradiutional minded. In their minds they want to "save" you from this evil and destructive metal lifestyle and I think the first thing you should do is at least try to talk to them and explain your side of things. And also although I know it's hard when you're 19 but you should at least put yourself in their position and try to understand where they're coming from. There's no guarantee that talking to them will yield any positive results, but I think it'd be a good first step. If talking to them turns out to be nonproductive, keep in mind you are an adult now, you could allways move out on your own. Find a friend or two to move in with. I don't know if it's normal in Turkey for 19 year olds to leave their parents' home and go out on their own but I think you might find your relationship with your parents improves if you're not living under ther roof and can establish yourself as an adult who can take care of herself. Whatever happens I wish you good luck!

okay…

I m going to talk with them

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5 hours ago, RelentlessOblivion said:

It’s difficult I know but GG is right, sounds like you have very Conservative parents who would be concerned most likely because of how heavy metal is demonised, especially in more religious countries like Turkey. All you can do is either calmly try to open a dialogue explaining your point of view or explore avenues to get out of that environment.

All you can do is either calmly try to open a dialogue explaining your point of view or explore avenues to get out of that environment.

 

Look on the bright side though at least it’s only your taste in music they have a problem with not your entire existence. That barrier is much harder to overcome I speak from experience. 

Thank you, i m going to tell them..

I hope they ll understand

I tried when ı was 17 but they didnt understand…

Im going to tell them again

As you can imagine, my family is very strict. They think metal is devil music. That's why it's hard for me to convince :)

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8 hours ago, RelentlessOblivion said:

I’ve been there, my now former step-dad holds the view that only suicidal and/or want-to-be killers listen to metal. Feels similarly about horror movies and books, and well I could keep going with his negative views all day but won’t.

Oh.. 

My parents are the same… They think im satanist.. When I was 16, they were trying to throw away my spikes, boots or CD’s… 

And in here my family is so religious…

When ı was 15 they tryed to close me (hijab) But I don't believe in god…

So they tried and i didnt. And firstly they hate me because of that… 

And second, because i am a metalhead. 

3 minutes ago, helvete said:

Oh.. 

My parents are the same… They think im satanist.. When I was 16, they were trying to throw away my spikes, boots or CD’s… 

And in here my family is so religious…

When ı was 15 they tryed to close me (hijab) But I don't believe in god…

So they tried and i didnt. And firstly they hate me because of that… 

And second, because i am a metalhead. 

At the moment we only see each other at family gatherings. Then they make fun of me because I'm still metalhead.

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Religious beliefs run deep. It's been my experience that you'll never be able to talk these god deluded people out of anything or change their minds. I've always found it's better to just let them be and do my own thing. But I've never been in the position where it was my own family who were the religious zealots I was at odds with. Your parents must be very upset that you don't believe what they do. 

I suppose it's different in western countries like the US where except in the south and parts of the midwest, religion isn't completely intertwined with every aspect of our daily lives. Lots of people here would identify as "believers" but not give their god or religion much thought on a daily basis. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you over there in such a religious and authoritarian run country like Turkey. I've always assumed that the reason there aren't more metal bands from countries like that is most of the free thinking people who resist indoctrination manage to find their way out.

I wish I could give you some helpful advice. I really don't feel it's my place to tell you to cut ties with your religious family. That'd be my first thought if reasoning with them becomes impossible. Once they've convinced themselves you're in league with Satan I don't know if there's any coming back from that divide. But since you only see them at family gatherings that means you've sorted some other place to live day to day. So that's good, that means you don't have to do battle with them on a daily basis, but you can still keep working on them at the gatherings.

The parent - teenage relationship can be quite difficult for many people, but I've seen many times when the teenagers get a little bit older they can often find common ground with their parents. Don't give up on them too easily. They may never truly understand you, but I guarantee they don't want to lose you. Maybe pick the one you think might be the most reasonable and sympathetic toward you and work on them individually. Tell them you love them but you have your own mind which they're not going to change and warn them that they're pushing you away. You might have to learn to live with a little fun being made at your expense, but that's not so bad. At least they still want to see you at the family gatherings. They might have a terrible way of showing it, but they do love you.

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1 hour ago, GoatmasterGeneral said:

Religious beliefs run deep. It's been my experience that you'll never be able to talk these god deluded people out of anything or change their minds. I've always found it's better to just let them be and do my own thing. But I've never been in the position where it was my own family who were the religious zealots I was at odds with. Your parents must be very upset that you don't believe what they do. 

I suppose it's different in western countries like the US where except in the south and parts of the midwest, religion isn't completely intertwined with every aspect of our daily lives. Lots of people here would identify as "believers" but not give their god or religion much thought on a daily basis. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you over there in such a religious and authoritarian run country like Turkey. I've always assumed that the reason there aren't more metal bands from countries like that is most of the free thinking people who resist indoctrination manage to find their way out.

I wish I could give you some helpful advice. I really don't feel it's my place to tell you to cut ties with your religious family. That'd be my first thought if reasoning with them becomes impossible. Once they've convinced themselves you're in league with Satan I don't know if there's any coming back from that divide. But since you only see them at family gatherings that means you've sorted some other place to live day to day. So that's good, that means you don't have to do battle with them on a daily basis, but you can still keep working on them at the gatherings.

The parent - teenage relationship can be quite difficult for many people, but I've seen many times when the teenagers get a little bit older they can often find common ground with their parents. Don't give up on them too easily. They may never truly understand you, but I guarantee they don't want to lose you. Maybe pick the one you think might be the most reasonable and sympathetic toward you and work on them individually. Tell them you love them but you have your own mind which they're not going to change and warn them that they're pushing you away. You might have to learn to live with a little fun being made at your expense, but that's not so bad. At least they still want to see you at the family gatherings. They might have a terrible way of showing it, but they do love you.

Yeah, I hope they do love me…

Im going to try that in the other family meeting, thanks for advice

I hope I can tell them ‘metal is not devil music’ 
 

Because metal saved my life… I would be depressed and get closed. But i got a guitar and try to do what i like! 
I m still trying to doing it but i hope im going to be famous in one day…

Metal saved my soul actually:)

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I'd be willing to bet your parents do care very deeply for you, and that is most likely at the core of their reaction. Because based on what you're saying, it seems to me that the issue isn't that you like metal. That's just an easy scapegoat for them to point at and blame. I think the real issue is your differing views on religion. If they're deeply religious like you say, I suspect it really comes down to their fear about what's going to happen to you after we die.

Talking about things with them is the only real solution, but unfortunately it's going to require your family to somehow make peace with the idea that you may not view things the way they do. That's going to take some real time and effort on everyone's part. I think the best thing you can do is try to explain why metal is important to you, try to respond to whatever fears they have about you listening to it, and as hard as it may be, try not to get defensive when tempers start to flare. I know it's not easy, but the calmer you can remain, the better chance you have of at least getting them to respect your views, even if they disagree.

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On 10/10/2022 at 9:08 PM, SurgicalBrute said:

I'd be willing to bet your parents do care very deeply for you, and that is most likely at the core of their reaction. Because based on what you're saying, it seems to me that the issue isn't that you like metal. That's just an easy scapegoat for them to point at and blame. I think the real issue is your differing views on religion. If they're deeply religious like you say, I suspect it really comes down to their fear about what's going to happen to you after we die.

Talking about things with them is the only real solution, but unfortunately it's going to require your family to somehow make peace with the idea that you may not view things the way they do. That's going to take some real time and effort on everyone's part. I think the best thing you can do is try to explain why metal is important to you, try to respond to whatever fears they have about you listening to it, and as hard as it may be, try not to get defensive when tempers start to flare. I know it's not easy, but the calmer you can remain, the better chance you have of at least getting them to respect your views, even if they disagree.

Thank you all. I'll try to talk to my family one last time. If not, I won't care anymore. Thank you all again

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You're an adult. I think at some point you have to decide where the line goes for you. Family disliking or disapproving of your choices can take different expressions and it's up to you to feel if they cross a line. While it may be lonely, sometimes your mental health will benefit from having reduced or no contact with your parents. Or you can talk it out. But the main issue, as others have pointed out, is probably that they don't understand your reasons, nor the way you express it. You can explain it, BUT it's up to them to be open to try to understand you. A person can only do so much if the other party is not willing to cooperate and do their part of the leg-work.

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There is some great, measured and calm advice here. It's possible quite a few of us have been through a similar experience to greater or lesser degrees. My mum is still waiting for me to give up on this ridiculous music.

However, she had the good sense not to try and forbid it and just hoped it would go away. Which it never did.

I do recall a flare up when I was about 6 years old because I listened to KISS and my mum had heard they were "Knights in Satan's Service". But the funny thing was I got a tape copy of the record from a family friend of my parents who didn't believe in that nonsense and probably explained it to them.

So, an additional bit of advice I could give is to try and find an ally elsewhere in the family (an uncle or family friend) who might back you up. That at least shows your parents how serious you take it. That you don't want to disappoint them, but metal is awesome.....and "hey mum, no doubt I'll grow out of it anyway. Just be patient."

Later, as a teenager, my dad heard that AC/DC was a slang term for bisexual and was concerned I'd become a sexual deviant. I told him Angus got the name from the back of a sewing machine. Also, when I played TNT in the car one day he said "oh, that sounds pretty harmless."

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7 hours ago, JonoBlade said:

There is some great, measured and calm advice here. It's possible quite a few of us have been through a similar experience to greater or lesser degrees. My mum is still waiting for me to give up on this ridiculous music.

However, she had the good sense not to try and forbid it and just hoped it would go away. Which it never did.

I do recall a flare up when I was about 6 years old because I listened to KISS and my mum had heard they were "Knights in Satan's Service". But the funny thing was I got a tape copy of the record from a family friend of my parents who didn't believe in that nonsense and probably explained it to them.

So, an additional bit of advice I could give is to try and find an ally elsewhere in the family (an uncle or family friend) who might back you up. That at least shows your parents how serious you take it. That you don't want to disappoint them, but metal is awesome.....and "hey mum, no doubt I'll grow out of it anyway. Just be patient."

Later, as a teenager, my dad heard that AC/DC was a slang term for bisexual and was concerned I'd become a sexual deviant. I told him Angus got the name from the back of a sewing machine. Also, when I played TNT in the car one day he said "oh, that sounds pretty harmless."

Wow. Thats a great idea. İ am going to try this this is going to work i think. 

Thanks a lot :)

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1 hour ago, helvete said:

Wow. Thats a great idea. İ am going to try this this is going to work i think. 

Thanks a lot :)

Just to chime in my 2 cents. Just be yourself. Be honest with your folks about what you find interesting about the music and how it positively impacts you. There's a lot worse things in the world than being a metal head, but it is a widely misunderstood community by those not involved in it. It looks scary and dangerous from the outside. As an uninitiated parent, I'd probably be concerned too. Parents generally want their kids to be safe, happy, and successful. So the key to getting them to accept things they don't like is to show how that things helps you meet those targets.

Jono's idea of giving them "softball" examples of the music so they can see that it's not scary is a great one. I remember my mom being terrified of AC/DC, Def Leppard, and Judas Priest back in the early 80's. Once I actually got her to listen to a few songs by them, she didn't see what all the fuss was about. Just don't start them out with Satanic Warmaster or Archgoat.

On the topic of overly zealous religious parents, I grew up in a house like that. I did cut contact with them for a number of years for various reasons including religion. I reconnected to some degree with my mom a few years ago. She's not quite the same level of crazy as when I was coming up, but there were a lot of things behind the scenes that I was never aware of. We just agree not to discuss religion. I'm happy with what I believe, she's happy with hers. We're both adults and free to make up our own minds. My wife and I believe different things, ascribe to different political ideas, and are interested in vastly different pursuits. We find common ground in that we love and care for each other. Even if I harshly disagree with something she believes, it doesn't change my view of her. She's still the person I love. I can say the same about my daughter who is also an adult and believes things I just can't wrap my head around.

Something I would add is that as a parent, when your child gets to the point where you are (an adult no longer living with the family), there is a lot of fear about what they are going to be exposed to in the world. The good, the bad, the pitfalls...and the lack of control to keep them safe is terrifying. I think religion in this sense is the easy way to approach the traditional parent-teen conflict, but I suspect that fear of the unknown for the child is the real cause. Being able to accept that you can no longer control what goes into your child's world and that they have the authority to set their own course in life is difficult to accept. And I'm not saying child in this case to you in any way, but I guarantee that it's exactly how your family view you in this situation.

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On 10/12/2022 at 10:53 PM, navybsn said:

Just to chime in my 2 cents. Just be yourself. Be honest with your folks about what you find interesting about the music and how it positively impacts you. There's a lot worse things in the world than being a metal head, but it is a widely misunderstood community by those not involved in it. It looks scary and dangerous from the outside. As an uninitiated parent, I'd probably be concerned too. Parents generally want their kids to be safe, happy, and successful. So the key to getting them to accept things they don't like is to show how that things helps you meet those targets.

Jono's idea of giving them "softball" examples of the music so they can see that it's not scary is a great one. I remember my mom being terrified of AC/DC, Def Leppard, and Judas Priest back in the early 80's. Once I actually got her to listen to a few songs by them, she didn't see what all the fuss was about. Just don't start them out with Satanic Warmaster or Archgoat.

On the topic of overly zealous religious parents, I grew up in a house like that. I did cut contact with them for a number of years for various reasons including religion. I reconnected to some degree with my mom a few years ago. She's not quite the same level of crazy as when I was coming up, but there were a lot of things behind the scenes that I was never aware of. We just agree not to discuss religion. I'm happy with what I believe, she's happy with hers. We're both adults and free to make up our own minds. My wife and I believe different things, ascribe to different political ideas, and are interested in vastly different pursuits. We find common ground in that we love and care for each other. Even if I harshly disagree with something she believes, it doesn't change my view of her. She's still the person I love. I can say the same about my daughter who is also an adult and believes things I just can't wrap my head around.

Something I would add is that as a parent, when your child gets to the point where you are (an adult no longer living with the family), there is a lot of fear about what they are going to be exposed to in the world. The good, the bad, the pitfalls...and the lack of control to keep them safe is terrifying. I think religion in this sense is the easy way to approach the traditional parent-teen conflict, but I suspect that fear of the unknown for the child is the real cause. Being able to accept that you can no longer control what goes into your child's world and that they have the authority to set their own course in life is difficult to accept. And I'm not saying child in this case to you in any way, but I guarantee that it's exactly how your family view you in this situation.

Thank you y’all. I am going to talk with my parents in the next friday. If they wont understand, i m going to dont give a shit anymore.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 5 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

My parents don't like my music taste and my personality... They are christians and I'm fan of bands like Mayhem, Behemoth or Thy Art Is Murder... When I was younger they hate my merch (Slipknot and other nu shits). But over the time they used to it. Today I can show up in De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas T-shirt and their reaction is only judging look... 

I think, Your parents will get over it and accept who you really are. It wants just some time.

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On 11/30/2022 at 6:28 AM, JessieJim said:

I'm so sorry that you have to feel it. 

Thanks buddy

Hey! The results are in. And the result is really mean. In the family meeting, i tried to tell them. Firstly, they suddenly stopped. And they really listened me. After one second they started to shout me about how devil am i hahaha.  They said they would never accept me with metal! They told me im the worst child at the family and they started to think who teach me metal:d

After this whole thing. I laughed. And And I left the meeting. Thats all guys. What I learned from this, People dont change. And so I dont! 

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