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Wrote some lyrics, looking for feedback and suggestions

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ADMIN/MOD: if this is in the wrong forum, please move it and pm me to tell me where it went.  Thanks.

Not really a songwriter/artist, shit just kinda came to me so I put pen to paper.  The war verse was added later.  Looking for feedback and suggestions, suggested styles of music, etc.  Partially inspired by Hush by Hellyeah (link in sig), but I think this would be much more death metal.

Not really a death metal guy, disturb's older shit is about as hard as I usually get, but someone suggested Gojira's style, and I can fuckin hear that shit.

Links to Stranded and Art of Dying


(Starts off somewhere between stranded and art of dying, somewhat melodic somewhat chaotic)

(Spoken, deep gutteral)

Born into the fires of hell                                                                    1

Raised by two demons with no souls


The terror, the disgust filled rage in his eyes

The frustration, The games she would play


Put down the bottle, pick up the gun                                                      c1

Quit drownin your sorrows, (screamed) and make the demons pay!      c2

(melodic, sorrowful)

Evil child they would say, pray to god your soul to save                          5

Your god was never there, if he was he looked the other way

The church you brought me to, no one fucking cared

Battered bruised and sore, demon child they would say


Put down the bottle, pick up the gun

Quit drownin your sorrows, and make the demons pay!

(Determined, screamed)

My blood will not know the hell you put me through                                10

She may hate me, that I will accept

(melodic, serious)

The state does nothing, into my hands it falls

Hold my head high as judgement is passed


My freedom for her sanity


Put down the bottle, pick up the gun

Quit drownin your sorrows and make the demons pay!


Forged in the fires of hell was I                                         15

Tested in the brutality of war

If hell is where I’m headed,


How much worse can it be!


Put down the bottle, pick up the gun

Quit drownin your sorrows and make the demons pay!

(1st half of each melodic, 2nd half screamed spoken, art of dying 3:50)

War has understanding, you gave me none!                       20

War has honor, you gave me shame!

War has brotherhood, you turned my brother against me!

War has expectations, I never knew what came next!


Put down the bottle, pick up the gun!

Quit drownin your sorrows and make the demons pay!


Round and round the haunting memories play                25

I have escaped from hell, but I brought hell with me

No more will I suffer, the demons will pay!

Too long have I accepted your blame!

For my blood I tell myself, but I know the truth

I reach out in pain, and betray me you do

(last half of chorus slows down, art of dying 5:40 last half of last line played over transition)

Put down the bottle, pick up the gun

Quit drownin your sorrows and make the demons pay!

(non gutteral, solemn; art of dying 6:00)

One final mission have I                                                 31

To ensure no further harm comes to her


Accept my judgement with my head held high

Accept my fate with no apology


My freedom for her sanity



PS save your fuckin sympathy

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The problem is, that you´d need to arrange the whole composition to follow the very specific instructions on the lyrics, i highly doubt there will be anyone whatsoever willing to make it like that, unless you try to do it yourself. And Gojira is a quite unique band, trying to imitate them would be both quite obvious and worse than Gojira. The best bet is to find a musician starving for lyrics, but let them have the creative freedom of musical and expressive aspects. You can´t really ask for particular style of music for lyrics, other than where it thematically might somewhat fall into..

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