RelentlessOblivion

Re: Rate and Slate rating - 101 rules of power metal slating - 196 rules of doom metal, they're not funny

Re: 5 word thread! proper contact sports are awesome (NFL is NOT a proper contact sport, real men don't need padding and a helmet to play rugby)

Re: Books? not always strategos

Re: music theory he must have the longest name on here by miles but he's right

Re: 101 rules of thrash metal oh you mean The Hardest Part Of Letting Go right? that's not a ballad, the clean part is an intro, then it gets evil

Re: 101 rules of Power Metal rule 96

funniest list so far 1. You have one goal: be epic. 2. Let no sound be lonely. If there's a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there's singing, make it a choir. 3. Keyboards offer a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that you like and use them on every song you write. 4. In a power metal world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel. 5. You are not bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness. 6. You are bound to sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal. 7. Remember how no sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel! 8. You are allowed to be blonde. 9. Swords enhance your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of whether or not you know anything about using one. 10. Pick a theme and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don't get to sing about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else. 11. If you have to sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is the perfect model. 12. Ballads are permissible. 13. That doesn't mean your ballads can suck. 14. The longer a song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1. 15. More solos means more epic. 16. If at all possible, be Michael Kiske. 17. If this is not possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske. 18. Your album cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry, magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around somebody/something. 19. 'Grim' and 'necro' don't apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying! 20. Power metal depends on power chords. 21. 16th notes are the only notes. 22. Unless you're singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2 bars. 23. Keyboards get solos, too. 24. If you can't be Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki. 25. Actually, don't be Timo Tolkki. 26. In case you didn't know, "symphonic" is synonymous with "epic." See rule #1. 27. Just because 300 bands before you have already done "epic," there's always room for more. 28. Songs come in two tempos: metal and ballad. 29. You are officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as 'mighty' without being laughed at. Much. 30. Audiences need to be able to sing along. Make it catchy. 31. Sing in English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians, Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it's not catchy, it's harder to sing in a language that is not your first. 32. Play in as many bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic! 33. Tight. Pants. 34. You don't have to detune your guitars. 35. Though you probably should drop them a half-step. 36. Unfortunately, you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling guitar solos? 37. Keyboards may substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo. 38. Fortunately, you don't need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same bassist twice. 39. Begin all songs with one big swelling chord on the keyboard. 40. Acoustic guitars are allowed. Sometimes. 41. It's not a tour, it's a crusade! 42. Layer your vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don't worry about them live. 43. Never use mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don't use words like "majesty," "glorious," "magical," and so on. 44. Wizards! You need wizards! 45. Although your costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry, and the aforementioned swords. 46. Unless you are Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing. 47. Come to think of it, don't be Manowar. 48. Wear armor if at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail. 49. Songs don't begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy. 50. Hail true metal! 51. Acoustic guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel. 52. Epic. Tight. Pants. 53. Higher vocals are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this. 54. So, male lead singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52. 55. True warriors can tell the difference between albums. 56. Concept albums are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming. 57. Liner notes must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the album. 58. Drugs aren't metal. 59. Beer, however, can be served in all kinds of true metal ways. 60. "Flagons of ale." It's appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost looks like "dragons," so you score extra points. 61. Since you can't get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to sing. 62. Your accent will show as a consequence. 63. To compensate, sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage. 64. More sequels = more epic. See rule #7. 65. Guest vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the other songs on the album with an extra solo. 666. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!! 67. Begin songs at half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with double-bass and power chords. 68. Bass players: one note. Really fast. 69. But include one enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will bury you so far in the mix that most people won't realize your band has a bass player. 70. Just because you don't play black metal doesn't mean you can't use Tolkein. 71. Whenever you short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be the first band to sing about owlbears. 72. Never leave Europe. 73. For purposes of rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe. 74. Oh, and South America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too. 75. Orchestras make a great addition to your album. Since you can't afford one, find a new patch on your keyboard. 76. If your live album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren't epic enough to justify a live album. 77. If you are European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can. Obfuscation is epic! 78. If you are South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody will ever read them. 79. If you are U.S. American, you probably aren't actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or something. 80. If you are Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won't be able to tell the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is epic. 81. Remember, shaving is epic, haircuts are not. 82. Entire albums must be recorded in the same key. 83. For that matter, entire careers may also be recorded in the same key. 84. Guitarists, remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da… 85. Make your band logo very angular, but perfectly legible. 86. More than a logo, you need a mascot. 87. He need not be distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers. 88. At your first gig, if you feel a "rising force", do be sure not to get it all over your audience. 89. Record your best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP. 90. Do not expect anyone to buy the EP. 91. Remember, power metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity. 92. Sing along. 93. Don't get caught singing along. 94. Glitter is not epic. 95. Neither is body oil. See rule #47. 96. If you see a black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63. 97. In your liner notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they're Stratovarius. 98. Complain about Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen to them more than anything else in your collection. 99. Power metal must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles. 100. To repeat: be epic. 101. I ran out of funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so not be epic.

some of these are funny, some are true, most are neither 1. Be violent. 2. Be aggressive. 3. Show hate. 4. If you can't show hate, show some anger. 5. But not St. Anger. 6. You are forbidden to show emotions. 7. Well, you can show anger. 8. But not St. Anger. 9. Never, ever, under any circumstances smile. Smiling is gay. 10. Thus, Anthrax is the gayest band ever. 11. Sing about killing, raping, torturing and destroying people. 12. Have no courage for even killing an ant. 13. Old-School thrash is the only thrash. 14. Comeback albums are not. 15. Don't be James Hetfield. 16. Don't be Dave Mustaine. 17. DON'T listen to punk, punk is gay. 18. Secretly, listen to the Misfits. 19. Hate new bands, old-school thrash is the only thrash. 20. Hate crossovers, old-school thrash is the only thrash. 21. If you run out of ideas, remember: life sucks, goverment sucks, you reject this fucking place, you despise this fucking race. 22. No matter if you are 15, say that you remember seeing those news about the death of Cliff Burton. 23. Say that you cried. 24. Aha! 25. 80's were the best time for thrash, try to be born in the 60's-70's to release your best album during that period. 26. Release your best album in 1986. 27. If you can't, you can do it in 1987. 28. After the 90's forget about thrash, 90's are so... unthrash!. 29. You have two options: 30. a) Split your band up. 31. Make some trash metal: 32. You can go heavy: anth... mega... 33. Or tribal: sepul... 34. Maybe industrial: krea... 35. Also country: met... 36. Even punky: sod... 37. If you split your band up in early 90's you've got permission to reform in early 2000's, and release one or two albums, then split again. 38. If you didn't break up, pretend to release a comeback album, after a decade of shit. 39. Kindly refer to rule #14, and madly to rule #5. 40. Own hundreds of old-school demos and albums. 41. Own Master Of Puppets. 42. Actually, listen only to this album. 43. Well, and maybe Reign in Blood. 44. Keep complaining about Metallica selling out. 45. Keep complaining about Megadeth selling out. 46. Keep complaining about [random bandname here] selling out. 47. Ballads are gay. 48. Naming a song "The Ballad" is even more GAY. 49. Keep this in mind, you were not a child. 50. And when you were, your childhood was full of sorrow. 51. But at least you didn't got molested, leave that for Nu Metal suckers. 52. Remember about your mother and father - and the undying spite you feel for them. 53. Acoustic guitars are limited to showing proeficiency, or intros/outros/interludes. 54. Release an album consisting of punk covers, this is not optional. 55. Remember, for riffs, you only have two strings, the 6th and 5th. 56. For solos you only have one, the 1st, maybe the 2nd. 57. You are forbidden to growl, unless you are from Germany. 58. Or from Brazil. 59. You are not Kreator, nor Sodom nor Destruction, and you never will be. 60. Try to be them. 61. Don't be death metal, death is dumb. 62. Don't be black metal, black is dumb. 63. Music theory? gimmie a break!! 64. Don't be progressive, progressive is dumb. 65. Hate any subgenre influenced by thrash, read rule #13. 66. Feel the fire of thrash burning your soul. 67. Not your body!!!!, read rule #15. 68. Look at you, your feelings turn stronger than hate!!!. 69. Sing a lot against religion, about killing Jesus and so on. 70. Claim to be roman catholic even if you do so. 71. Or claim to be atheist, and remember, Satan is funny, nazis were funny, serial killers are funny, shame on you Kerry King! 72. Only one member is allowed to sing. 73. Well, other members can scream at choruses. 74. Allowed words are: Die! Kill! Hell! Hey! 75. Don't have friends, friendship is gay. 76. Don't have girlfriends, that's gay. 77. What?! 78. Death metal's hostillity towards gayness is borrowed from thrash metal's. (read Death Metal rules, of course don't follow them). 79. When naming your favorite bands, always name Metallica first. 80. Forget about those bands which have the sound you have searched for years. 81. If you are from Brazil, name your band after a coffin related thing: Sepultura, Sarcófago, and so on. 82. San Francisco shores used to be good for writing thrash in the 80's. 83. Power-Thrash: what?! Aggressive dragons? 84. Death-Thrash: read rule 61. 85. Black-Thrash: haven't you read rule 62 yet? Also, black is so... unthrash 86. Progressive-Thrash: read rule 64 87. Post-Thrash: post-thrash is forbidden, read rule #13. 88. Secretly listen to Pantera. 89. I mean, secretly listen to their first albums. 90. Gotcha! You are gay! 91. No matter if it's legal now, sue Napster!!! 92. Asking for melodic thrash bands its the gayest thing that someone could ever do. 93. ---"Seriously, can you recommend me a melodic thrash band?"--- 94. Death, Death Angel, Dark Angel, Morbid Angel, Morbid Saint - THESE BANDS ARE NOT THE SAME!!! 95. Five more to go! 96. Write rules for thrash metal, its a chick magnet. 97. Reading rules for thrash metal its also a chick magnet 98. Kill Bob Rock! 99. Ask Rick Rubin to do that. 100. Be enemy of your fellow thrashers. 101. Done!

Re: Metalstorm's 101 Rules of Prog Metal the black metal one is funnier

Re: Metallica retiring. Strategos Maiden should probably have called it quits about a decade or so ago, they've only released one decent album in the last 12 years (A Matter Of Life And Death) Judas Priest too should have actually retired when they said they would, sure I'd like to hear how Priest would follow up the brilliant Nostradamus but Halford's voice is starting to go, and they can't exactly bring Ripper back again

Re: Cannibal Corpse if CC could make music that lives up to their artwork they'd be the best band on the planet

Re: New Purchases/Acquisitions Type O Negative - Life Is Killing Me Anathema - Falling Deeper (because I didn't research the band properly until AFTER I bought it)

Re: Ban the user above you! banned because I've been awake since six am AND HAVEN'T HAD ANY COFFEE YET so I'm still suffering from I want the world to die syndrome also known as caffeine deprivation

Re: Rate and Slate rating - I now have two Type O Negative albums slating - that I only have two Type O Negative albums

Re: What Are You Listening To? Black Sabbath - Sabbra Cadabra

Re: Metal Core Outliar, long time no see, how's things with the band, and since I keep bugging BlutAusNerd and NTNR about when Nevertanezra will release THEIR second album I'm gonna start bugging you about YOURS lol

Re: Internet Comedy I can't remember the blokes name now but I saw an Aussie comedian on the tv make a joke about being Aussie, it went something like "so I was in London last month doing some work over there, after one of my shows this bloke comes up to me and says hey you're Australian aren't you, I says yeah, he says so do you ride kangarooos over there? I says nah mate all the cool kids ride emus instead"

Re: Rate the song above you! 8/10 3mJ4mrWELHU

Re: What Are You Listening To? Megadeth - Mechanix

Re: Opera meets progmetal and rap!!! didn't like it, to me the concepts don't really work together, points for creativity and thinking outside the box but the execution leaves a great deal to be desired

Re: 5 word thread! badminton, like tennis, totally sucks

Re: 5 word thread! Mondays suck in general

Re: Rate and Slate rating - good food slating - bland, boring food sadly dinner tonight fell into the latter category

Re: Female Players yeah not a lot of soloing in black metal, there is more of it in death metal though from what I recall (and the new stuff I've heard so far)

Re: Books? I only write for fun, I don't think anything I've done is all that great. not the point, the point is that I just get an idea and start writing, I don't know where it'll end up until I get there, its a totally different approach to when I'm writing lyrics where I know exactly what tone I want to convey and set about working around that P.S. reading Red Dragon for about the dozenth time, just can't get enough of Hannibal Lecter